Big companies will often try to branch out and make something completely different than what they’re known for. Sometimes the result is questionable, like when Louis Vuitton made a ping pong set that costs over $2,000. Other times, the result is a delightfully bizarre curiosity that we simply must own.
Today we’ve got an example of the latter: a new line of swimwear and beach accessories from the folks at Hidden Valley Ranch.
For just fifty bucks, this beauty could be yours:
Why a ranch-themed bathing suit? Your guess is as good as mine! I couldn’t think of anything I’d want less to cool me down on a hot summer day than a bottle of thick, creamy salad dressing.
The collection includes swimsuits for men as well, like this pair of pizza ‘n’ ranch-themed swim trunks. If you’ve never tried ranch on pizza, congratulations! Now you know why you’ve always been a little bit sad.
A Hidden Valley spokesperson released this statement about it:
“Float with flavor on top of Hidden Valley’s ranch bottle pool float while dressing the part in his and hers Hidden Valley swimwear. Once you’re out of the pool (or lake, or ocean – because HVR pairs with any occasion!), wrap yourself in ranch with a fuzzy beach towel. And don’t forget your Hidden Valley water bottle – because we all know that the most passionate fans will use it to carry their extra supply of ranch.”
Pool float? Oh yes, there’s a pool float. And it’s only $35 bucks, which is the same price as 6 or 7 bottles of Hidden Valley Ranch.
The collection is being marketed to people for whom Hidden Valley Ranch isn’t merely a salad dressing, but a way of life. Like those people who dress head to toe in Coca-Coca gear, but with ranch dressing. Do such Ranch fanatics exist in real life? I’ve never met one. But maybe they’ve been hiding because they haven’t had any memorabilia that reflects their lifestyle. Until now.
This $30 HVR beach towel is perfect for drying off after a swim in a giant vat of creamy ranch dressing.
For $15, you can get this HVR water bottle. You can fill it with water, or, more likely, you can fill it with ranch, then slam down 20 ounces of ranch poolside. Isn’t it time we got rid of the stigma around drinking ranch in public?
Or if you wanna be a little more subtle, you can get this $15 Hidden Valley Ranch flask. If anyone gives you side eye for drinking out of a flask at, say, your child’s little league game, now you can say: “It’s OK! It’s just ranch!”
And where are you going to keep all this stuff? In your $25 Hidden Valley Ranch tote bag, of course.
Or possibly inside this $18 Hidden Valley Ranch fanny pack. Be careful about wearing a ranch-themed fanny pack too much, though. You might cause a riot because of how sexy you are.
Finally, this last item isn’t really beach-friendly, but it’s still an essential part of any ranch-lover’s collection. For $160, you can get an actual ranch fountain. Your life can be just as decadent as a Roman emperor’s, if the Romans had ranch.
It seems like the one thing missing from the collection is a bottle of edible Ranch-flavored sunblock. The ball’s in your court, Hidden Valley.