One of the greatest struggles in the history of human philosophy has been attempting to overlay a concept of justice onto a universe that, by all appearances, is chaotic and unjust.

What does this rather lofty thesis have to do with a bunch of dumb tweets? No worries, I’m getting there. Gotta put this expensive college degree to use somehow.

You see, as highly social animals who value cooperation, we have a basic need to see pain discouraged and joy encouraged. We need to know that those who inflict wrong on each other will pay a price for it, and those that do well by their fellow man will have reward.

But there are certain things that stand in the face of such a belief. Certain evils which, by their very continued existence, defy the idea that there is any significantly functional system of moral gatekeeping.

For instance, the things in these tweets. Things that, if there were any justice in the universe, would definitely not exist.

11. Peeps Flavored Pepsi

Note the unholy combination that laughs at nature.

10. Car Lashes

An attempt to humanize machine, which ironically results in a loss of humanity for us all.

9. These Things

Our sins are innumerable; our offenses endless.

8. Socks with Sandals

It is as though we taunt the universe, daring it to act against us.

7. Food Flavored Cotton Candy

Sadism dressed as diversion – a cruelty without aim.

6. This Mini Skirt

Surely the worst yet expression of a grotesque K-stan idolatry.

5. The Baguette Pack

A symbol of futility – a mockery of our own faculties.

4. Ham and Bananas Hollandaise

To so besmirch the very stuff that nourishes our bodies is to express a vengeful hate on our own biology.

3. Murder Hornets

As though from the gaping maw of the underworld, summoned when hope was lowest.

2. This Tape Dispenser

There is laughter here, but it is hollow, and it is vile.

1. Mayo Ice Cream

An act of caucasity so extreme as to bring halt to the human project altogether.

Avert your eyes, oh ye innocent. It is better not to know of these.

What do you think shouldn’t exist?

Tell us in the comments.