Aren’t children just perfect little angels?
Sure…something like that…
If you’re a mom or a dad, these tweets about raising kids will make you laugh, cry, scream, and then cry again.
Enjoy these tweets, all you parents out there!
1. Silence is not golden.
Non parents: This silence is nice
Parents: *hears nothing* where the fuck are the kids and what are they doing!??
— C͙a͙l͙l͙i͙o͙p͙e͙M͙o͙o͙n͙? (@chellemybell22) November 7, 2019
2. What kind of mother are you?
Yes I gave birth, but I haven’t bought those little month numbers and laid my child next to them like a tiny, happy crime scene victim and taken a picture of that and posted it to Instagram so in that sense I am not a mother.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 3, 2019
3. So very blessed.
I was in a family bathroom and as my 4yo unlocked the door my 2yo pushed the handicap button right as I started to pee so I had to watch the door slowly open knowing that I couldn't get up and I peed with the door wide open. I'm so blessed to have kids.
— Marcy G ? (@BunAndLeggings) October 1, 2019
4. Nothing strange about it.
"Do NOT pee on your brother!"
And other things you hear in a public restroom that don't seem strange at all after you have kids.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) October 22, 2019
5. Anyone will do.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don't know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 19, 2019
6. All the hits!
TODDLERS: THE MUSICAL
Including hits like:
? I Don’t Want That (Yes I Do)
? NO NO NO NO NO
? He’s Looking At Me,
She’s Breathing on Me
? Cough in Your Mouth
? Bedtime is The Time for
SHOWTIMES AT 4 AM, 5 AM, and DURING YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 14, 2019
7. Isn’t that nice?
7-year-old: *hands me a plate of toy food*
Me: Mmm. Tastes like plastic.
7: Just like what you make.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2019
8. That’s hot.
Sex is good and all but have you ever vacuumed up a bunch of tiny LEGO pieces your kids refused to put away?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 11, 2019
9. That was fast.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 9, 2019
10. Sacred ground.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
— NoTasha (@looksliketuttut) September 30, 2019
11. Don’t even bother.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 24, 2019
12. Of course they did…
Me: Don’t do that.
Kids: We won’t.
Me: Please. It’s important you don’t.
Kids: We said we wouldn’t.
Me: Again, I can’t stress how important it is not to do that.
Kids: WE WONT!!!!!
Narrator: They immediately did that.
— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) November 8, 2019
13. What’s that called again?
What’s it called when you do everything possible to make people happy but nobody’s happy? Ah yes, parenthood.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 13, 2019
14. He might still be snoozing.
Me: Wake up.
7-year-old: It's too early.
Me: It's time for church.
7: Is God even awake yet?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2019
15. Here are the requirements.
Parenting is easy as long as you:
– can name every species of bug
– pull snacks out of thin air
– crave ill-informed feedback
– always bring the 'right' toy
– despise sleep
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 18, 2019
Parents, share your horror, I mean, wonderful stories about your kids in the comments. Let’s have some fun!