Oh, marriage…it’s lovely, isn’t it?
The love, the passion, the romance…the getting yelled at to clean up your clothes all over the bedroom floor…
You know – the good stuff! Here are some very funny and very accurate tweets from husbands who have been there and done that.
1. You’re gonna need to back off.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
2. A real tragedy.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
3. You’re the champ!
I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2018
4. Here we are.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
5. Isn’t that nice!
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
6. You can’t win.
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
7. Moments of terror.
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
8. Those are too good for you.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
9. Can’t get out of that one.
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.
— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@with_a_ph23) May 23, 2018
10. One of life’s mysteries.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
11. This guy is a real cut-up.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
12. What were you thinking?
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
13. Think the kids will notice?
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018
14. I’m gonna need this in writing.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
15. A whole new man.
my wife just dropped ‘your father’ in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks
— time and a glenn (@Glennot73) June 29, 2018
If you’re married, we want to hear from you!
Tell us something hilarious/embarrassing/ridiculous/annoying that your spouse did that you can’t get off your mind.