Oh, marriage…it’s lovely, isn’t it?
The love, the passion, the romance…the getting yelled at to clean up your clothes all over the bedroom floor…
You know – the good stuff! Here are some very funny and very accurate tweets from husbands who have been there and done that.
1. You’re gonna need to back off.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
2. A real tragedy.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
3. You’re the champ!
I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2018
4. Here we are.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
5. Isn’t that nice!
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
6. You can’t win.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
7. Moments of terror.
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
8. Those are too good for you.
https://twitter.com/_troyjohnson/status/604040895344840706?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E604040895344840706&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fruinmyweek.com%2Ftweets%2Ffunny-marriage-tweets-husbands-wives%2F2%2F
9. Can’t get out of that one.
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.
— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@with_a_ph23) May 23, 2018
10. One of life’s mysteries.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
11. This guy is a real cut-up.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
12. What were you thinking?
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
13. Think the kids will notice?
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018
14. I’m gonna need this in writing.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
15. A whole new man.
my wife just dropped ‘your father’ in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks
— the glennd of the world 🇦🇺 (@Glennot73) June 29, 2018
If you’re married, we want to hear from you!
Tell us something hilarious/embarrassing/ridiculous/annoying that your spouse did that you can’t get off your mind.