This is an article most of us can relate to: horrible Dad jokes. I don’t know what happens when men become fathers, but something clicks inside their brains, and they turn into total cheeseballs overnight. It’s actually an incredible phenomenon.
Here are 27 Dad jokes shared by AskReddit users.
Be prepared to laugh, cry, and probably groan…
Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he’s feeling constipated. Watson replies, “Yeah, no s–t Sherlock!”
2. A little Soviet humor
Joseph Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work…
I mean seriously, there were red flags everywhere.
3. Hey o!
My son just became a father for the first time today…
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…
4. I didn’t laugh, but you might
What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?
Someone in my accounting class asked about extra credit.
Professor: “I’m sorry I don’t give extra credit in this class”
Me: “yeah but do you give extra debit?”
6. Not bad…
Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes…
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Here’s one in Spanish:
I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000.
It was a grand dad joke.
9. Prepare for a lifetime of bad jokes…
My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: “I wonder if it isn’t really hot in there, for the baby.”
I replied: “It’s likely womb-temperature.”
The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.
He tested positive for coke.
11. Zinger for the manager
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked “How did you find your steak?”
Dad goes, “I just moved the potato and there it was!”
I used to be a banker…
But I lost interest.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
I threw a fake plastic turd at my wife’s head while she was in the shower.
Maybe now she’ll stop complaining that she’s out of sham poo.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
16. He has a point
In the kitchen this morning, my son tells me: “Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they’d throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn’t sharp, it didn’t have a point.”
17. Not bad!
My ex wife still misses me…
But her aim is getting better.
18. Fun with color
Breaking news: A red ship and a blue ship have collided in the Caribbean…
…apparently, the survivors are marooned.
19. Rude and ruthless
What do a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?
During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.
Son #2: “What if I really was an ant?”
Son #1 [7yo]: “Then you wouldn’t really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they’re so small.”
Me: “Well, did you know it’s pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?”
Daughter [5yo]: “What?”
Me: “Yeah, all it’ll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she’ll turn into an aunt.”
[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]
Wife: “He’s right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah.”
Daughter: “Oooooh, Daaad.”
21. A good body of work
I’d like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers…
I could always count on them.
I really feel like I have a bad posture.
I have a hunch.
23. For the older crowd
Is “Africa” by Toto a country song?
No, it’s a continent song.
My neighbor asked me if I could come over next weekend and help him strain some pasta…
I told him I’d have to check my colander.
25. Maybe she should…
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren’t saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I’m leaving you.
I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, “You play an instrument?”
I replied, “Yeah, I play a little guitar.”