Not all marriages last forever. It’s nothing like the “50%” statistic that is tossed around so often, but divorce definitely still happens.
And, sometimes, you know it’s going to happen right from the beginning.
Like, on the wedding day.
That’s probably when it’s the most sad.
Especially if you bought them a wedding gift.
But I did find a happy ending for the finale (kind of):
#1. Objecting to Her Own Marriage?
The bride came creeping up to my brother and handed him a note detailing how much she loved him and how if he wanted her all he had to do was object when the time came.
He handed the note off to the the groom’s sister, and we left before the ceremony began.
My Facebook says they did end up getting married. Haven’t seen them since then though.
#2. Well then.
I was in charge of choosing a male strip club for the bachelorette party.
I went to check a place out…
Bumped into the groom…
In the audience.
#3. “I wish I was single”
When I was 17, I was a bridesmaid in my 19-year-old cousin’s shotgun wedding.
After the ceremony, we got into the limo to go to the reception. She turns to me, and says “God, I wish I was single!”
#4. What Would Maury Do?
The groom invited his female friend, she was in the early stages of pregnancy. Towards the end of the night, the bride asked who the father was.
The friend cheerfully said the groom’s name.
#5. A Conspicuous Edit
The bride had the minister put “Til death, or divorce, do us part” into the ceremony.
#6. Taking Odds
The groom looked drunk, and the bride seemed incredibly angry. Then, there was this woman walking around during the reception placing bets on when they would divorce.
I later found out she was the mother of the groom.
#7. Clearly Not for Life
My sister’s new husband made out with a bridesmaid on the dance floor of the reception.
#8. lolololololol…
During the ceremony, when the priest started asking the bride, “Do you take this man to be your…” she started laughing uncontrollably and couldn’t stop.
It was cute for about 10 seconds, and then things got real uncomfortable.
They lasted a year and change.
#9. Fight!
Groom mashed the cake into the (pregnant) bride’s face so hard she went down backwards.
Groom and his father ended up fist fighting in the bathroom, cops were called, fun times…
#10. “And, we went our separate ways.”
During the ceremony my wife is crying, I ask her why, and she says, “I always thought I would be the one to marry him.”
She ended up cheating on me with him, and we went out separate ways.
#11. “438 Days”
They were friends of mine who dated for nearly two years before their wedding. He loved her more than she loved him, obvious to all our friends, and we suspected she begrudgingly said yet to his proposal.
He said his vows first and went on and on about loving her for the rest of his life. During hers, she started with “438 days… that’s how long I’ve loved you.” It seemed sweet until she ended her vows with, “And I promise to love you for at least 438 more.”
Most thought nothing of it and some friends called me a dick for saying it was a subconscious sign she wasn’t in it for the long haul.
She left him exactly that amount of days after the wedding with a note that said, “I kept my vow to love you for 438 days more, but I can’t for a single day more.”
Called it.
#12. The Bride Said It First
The bride told us, as she was going from table to table thanking the guests, that she didn’t think it would last. We were stunned. They lasted about a year.
#13. “She Flinched”
She flinched when he turned to kiss her.
They were divorced within six months.
#14. Nope
The groom said in his speech “when I joined a dating agency I never thought I’d be so lucky as to find my own personal cook, dishwasher, and washing machine.”
#15. Mistress Interruption
Grooms mistress found out he was getting married and showed up at the wedding.
In the middle of the I-do’s, she walked right up on stage and smacked him in the face.
#16. Murder(?!)
The groom stabbed his new brother-in-law to death, with the knife used to cut the wedding cake no less. Well, technically it happened at the reception, not the wedding.
Backstory: About four years before the wedding, the wife’s brother had shot her in the leg during an argument. Alcohol was involved.
At the reception, he started loudly telling the guests that he wished he’d shot her in the head instead, at which point the groom got stabby.
Alcohol was again involved.
#17. That’ll do it…
The groom called the bride a cunt at the reception.
They totally got divorced.
#18. A Two-Hour Tour
That marriage lasted for about two hours.
Seroiusly. That’s twice now. Is this a common thing?
#19. Uncompromising
We knew the couple was in trouble when they frowned during most of the ceremony and later didn’t go on a honeymoon because they couldn’t agree on a destination.
They had plenty of money – just no desire to compromise.
#20. It’s Long, but Just Read It
Holy shit. My cousin “Jan’s” wedding was basically just a preamble to an elaborate Dance of Divorce that we all knew was coming from the moment the engagement began. Just a few things that come to mind:
- Her fiance proposed to her OVER THE CORPSE OF HER FATHER. He was over with the family watching TV when Jan’s dad collapsed on the floor. He died before emergency services arrived. Her boyfriend grabbed her hands as she was sitting next to her father’s body, pulled her up to her feet, and then asked her to marry him. He later said that he “didn’t want her to get away”.
- The fiance then disappeared for a month the week after the funeral. Nobody knew where to reach him.
- The bride’s white trash mother told Jan that she had to get married within 4 months because she (the mother, my aunt) planned to move to another state with her new boyfriend to avoid bill collectors.
- When Jan’s fiance showed back up, he was cagey and weird. Eventually, it came out that he’d been living with his ex-girlfriend because she insisted that he had to give her a month of his life, or she’d take him to court for child support that he was supposed to be paying on their infant son, but had never paid.
Throughout all of this, Jan continued to insist that she wanted to marry him. The day arrived, and so did the principle players. At the wedding itself:
- The groom walked around drinking PBR out of a massive travel thermos with a novelty straw, and told everyone who would listen that Jan was a good “starter wife”.
- Jan threw several tantrums about stupid shit, including one in which she accused the groom of stealing her drink. He told her she was a “dumb whore”, but it all worked out, because she found her drink.
- The groom pulled the ring off of Jan’s finger during the reception and swallowed it “as a joke”.
- The groom picked a fight with his father because his dad had asked the ex-girlfriend to stay at home, and the groom had really wanted her to be there. Jan was in the dark about this invitation until the fight broke out.
Epilogue: Shocking precisely nobody, except possibly Jan herself, they eventually did divorce. Eating the ring caused the groom some discomfort, so they had to cancel their honeymoon to the mountains so that he could go to the ER.
Things went downhill from there.
The groom’s ex-girlfriend popped back up less than 3 months after the wedding, heavily pregnant with his second child. She went after him for another “shared month”, but Jan wasn’t cool with it.
The ex ended up taking him to court for child support. Jan got a second job to make ends meet while resigning herself to living with her inlaws for a while longer. One day, after he’d dropped her off at work, the groom sold Jan’s car. He then disappeared for several more weeks. She lost both jobs, and shortly thereafter realized she was pregnant.
The groom accused her of cheating because he thought he couldn’t have more than two children in a lifetime, and his ex-girlfriend had already filled the quota. As I understand it, this is what ultimately caused the rift in their relationship.
#21. I Guess Things Didn’t Change
At the rehearsal dinner, the groom’s mom is in tears, because, “He looks miserable,” and he was. We all knew it.
During the vows they had written for each other, the bride starts with “I know I can be a pretty terrible person, and I don’t know why you’ve stuck around, but that’s all going to change starting today!”
They were divorced a year later.
#22. The Happy Ending…Kinda
Her husband got black out drunk and they got into an argument. He passed out and she ended up throwing a bucket of ice water in his face to snap him out of it. She was devastated about it.
Happy ending: He made it up to her big time. Also, he felt very out of it, even the next day. Turns out he had traces of Rohypnol in his system. His own brother roofied him, because he wanted their own friendship to remain the same.
My brother-in-law has disowned most of his family because of this and his brother just got out of a 4 year prison sentence.
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