Here are two thoughts that are in NO WAY related to each other:
1. When you’re a new parent, your top concern is making sure your baby has the best life possible. In fact, it’s such a pressing issue that you often worry you’re not doing enough. It gnaws at you.
2. Con artists make their money by exploiting people’s fears.
Now, let’s look at some weird baby products that I’m sure are totally worth buying and are NOT AT ALL SCAMS.
1. The Baby Mop
I don’t know about you, but any time I see a baby crawling on the floor, I think, “What a freeloader!” Well now you can put these moochers to work!
2. Baby Bling
Pairs perfectly with the Baby Wu Tang CD.
3. Baby’s Poop Alarm
To be fair, there’s currently no known way to tell when you’re baby’s parked a load in their diaper. Certainly not by smelling or looking.
4. The NoseFrida, aka “The Snotsucker”
This one’s probably on the more useful end of the spectrum, but it makes the list on the visual alone.
5. The Zaky Hand Pillow
This is great if you don’t want your baby to develop attachment issues, but you also wanna keep your hands free for Snapchatting.
6. The “WhyCry” Crying Analyzer
So it’s just as bogus as a mood ring, but way more expensive? Where can I get one?!
7. The iPotty
Hey, your child’s gonna spend most of their life using their iPhone on the toilet like the rest of us do. Why not start ’em early?
8. The Crumb Cap
Makes mealtime .00000001% less messy!
9. The Windi
Maybe your baby has so much gas you need to buy a pack of these babies, but we all know what this really is: a butt plug for babies.
10. The Pee-Pee Tee Pee
That’s a soft cloth cone you place over a male baby so you don’t get sprayed while changing his diaper. This one feels like the company started with the name and worked backwards from there.
11. The Baby Bathroom Harness
Maybe this would be a good baby shower gift if you lived in Game of Thrones times and wanted to ensure your rival’s offspring grow up to be weirdos.
12. Fancy morning sickness bags
Honestly, if you have enough money to buy a fancy version of something you puke into, give that money to me. I could use it!
13. “Buff Baby” weights
I don’t know what’s creepier, the mental image of a baby with jacked muscles, or the suggestion that somebody would want that for their baby.
14. Jewelry made from your own breast milk.
Your kid can wear this on their first day of school!
15. A teddy bear made from your placenta.
You know what’s cool about teddy bears? We already know how to make ’em. All you need’s some cloth, some thread, some stuffing, and some buttons or whatever. You don’t need to use YOUR OWN DANG BODY PARTS.
Also, you can’t just whip out your placenta and start sewing. You have to cure it first: “The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable.”
So not only do you get a horrifying keepsake, you get to turn your kitchen into a weird human leather tannery.
16. And finally, an music player you put in your vagina.
I’m happy this exists, because it leads to some interesting conversations:
GUY APPROACHES PREGNANT WOMAN ON THE BUS:
GUY: “Beg your pardon, madame, but do I hear the mellifluous notes of Bach’s Concerto in D Minor emanating from your hoo-hah?”
h/t: Twenty Two Words