I’m sure this will not come as a surprise, but there are a TON of funny women out there. And they routinely rip it up on Twitter with their hilarious jokes, as you are about to witness shortly.
Be prepared to laugh, cry, and then laugh all over again, okay?
1. You know, the normal stuff.
No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, construct fake diaries insinuating he wanted to hurt me, elaborately fake my own death and frame him for murder
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 13, 2019
2. A totally new situation.
Caved and did 23 and me. It said I am Anastasia the lost Romanov princess. Anyone know who I can talk to about this? New situation for me.
— Lizzie Borden (@lizzzzzielogan) June 14, 2019
3. Don’t do it!
Big Little Lies is so good it makes me wanna forgive the people I nannied for
— Bron.com (@brondotcomputer) June 11, 2019
4. That’s all it takes.
I will dress really cool if someone gives me the cool clothes to dress in.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 14, 2019
5. Why do you think I’m on here?
Sometimes people ask me if I’m worried the guys I’ve slept with will see that I’ve tweeted about them, which is an insane question, because literally WHY do you think I’m doing it
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) June 14, 2019
6. Let’s redistribute that.
maybe more Bernie enthusiasts would embrace Warren if we told them feminism isn't about empowering women, but about redistributing sexism
— Pamela Ross (@PamNotAnderson) June 11, 2019
7. There are quite a few out there…
billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of
— not a chill girl (@notchillgirl) June 12, 2019
8. It is kind of out of control.
— SydSteinberg (@thesteinberglar) June 12, 2019
9. This is so good.
my ex was conservative but watched a lot of porn. He believed sex was a sacred union between a man and his step-mom
— defne gencler (@omgitsdef) June 13, 2019
10. That’s quite a counterpoint.
Point: I am smart
Counterpoint: I just got full-body chills from silently reading this part of the lyrics to “Under The Sea” pic.twitter.com/pueyvAFXbN
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 13, 2019
11. Sounds like a win/win.
My kink? A crushing fear of being by myself but also never fully being present when around people 😜😜😜
— Alex Song (@alexsnog) June 13, 2019
12. Which one do you prefer?
– No jobs
– No money
– Live in your shitty house
– Rich in Simoleons
– Live in mansions
– I'm sad
— Liz Galvao (@lizgalvao) June 12, 2019
13. Sounds like a plan!
I am a millennial and I buy coffee because my retirement is already fully planned: I will be a traveling jester in the feudal post-global warming remnants of society. My IRA is composed entirely of memorized viral tweets.
— Gwen 🔙🔛🔝🔜 (@msgwenl) June 11, 2019
14. They’re OBSESSED.
When people are like, "It's weird that you talk to your parents so much," I'm like okay yeah like I'm not going to talk to two people who are literally obsessed with me
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) June 12, 2019
15. Hopefully, this does not come true.
august 25, 2021
all the celebrities' children have succumbed to polio. at first it appeared to be a welcome respite but now they are growing vengeful at the vaccinated middle-class
— 𝘋𝘈𝘙𝘊𝘐𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘓𝘋𝘌𝘙 (@333333333433333) June 13, 2019
Like I said, hilarious women. No doubt about that.