Pooping! It’s something we all do literally tens of thousands of times in our lives. It might take a few years to master, but once we’ve got our routine down, most of us just do it without thinking about it.
But there’s what pooping is, and there’s what pooping can be, and those are two very different things. With just a little planning and money, you could be pooping in style. With these 15 pooping accessories, you’ll never want to leave your bathroom.
Just be sure to remember November 9th, 2017 as the day your life changed forever.
1. Motion-activated toilet lights
Do you hate going to the bathroom in the night and having to turn on the lights, thereby waking up yourself and/or a partner? Well not any longer! Plus, you’ll get to feel like you’re crapping at a rave.
2. A heavy duty plunger
Wonder Woman has her lasso. Indiana Jones has his whip. Why should you go into battle without your own weapon of choice?
But wait, you want to have even MORE fun while battling an unholy toilet-clogger? Add this next one to your arsenal:
3. The “Johnny Jolter” power plunger
The only thing you’ll need to provide are the “pew pew” sound effects.
4. Skinny bathroom organizer
Honestly, the only thing wrong with this one is a lack of imagination. You have all that space. Why not use it for a more involved activity while pooping. Like building model ships or eating a Maryland-style crab dinner?
Oh, what, you think that’s too absurd? THINK AGAIN…
5. The second office
Roto Rooter gave away a “pimped out John” way back in 2007, and while it may not currently be for sale, you can definitely make a DIY version. The set included a 20 inch LCD screen TV, an Xbox 360, a laptop, a mini fridge, a pedal-powered exercise machine, and so much more. All that’s missing is an adrenalin shot to inject directly into your legs once they start to go numb.
6. Toilet paper holder iPod dock
If you’re spending so much time on the toilet that your gadgets are going dead, it might be time to re-evaluate your life choices…and buy a dock to keep the tunes rockin’!
7. A leaf-shaped handle for hands-free lid operating
When using the bathroom, most of us prefer to touch as little as possible. Now you don’t have to, with a little handle for your toilet! And it’s even shaped like a le
Of course, eventually the leaf handle itself will become covered in germs, so the only remaining option will be to douse your bathroom with a flamethrower.
8. Star Wars toilet decal
Turn your toilet into the Sarlacc Pit! Makes a great gift for any Star Wars fanatic who wants to salute George Lucas’s vision by crapping directly on it–just like George did with the prequels. Zing!
9. A diamond-encrusted toilet
For a mere $100,000, you can poo like a rapper or an heir to the DeBeers fortune.
10. “Cloud” toilet paper holder
This cloud-shaped toilet paper holder will make you feel like an angel going to the bathroom in heaven–right onto the people you hated in life!
11. Knight toilet paper holder
Every throne needs a king or queen, and every monarch needs a loyal subject. Sir Lancelot will keep all your bathroom secrets.
12. Cactus toilet paper
Being a funny person is nice, but it definitely takes effort. Instead, just hang cactus toilet paper in your bathroom, sit back, and wait for the guffaws. Your guests will know you never let a “Crazy Shirt Day” at work go to waste.
13. A tissue holder shaped like a dog’s butt
You basically have two choices here. Buy this tissue holder, or waste time and money trying to train a real dog to do this. It’s up to you.
14. Toilet paper beer-n-wine cupholder
We’ve had a lot of jokes so far, but I just worry this product glamorizes underage toilet drinking.
15. The TwoDaLoo two-person toilet
HUSBAND: Honey, this paella we made is delicious! I’m so glad we’re doing more activities as a couple.
WIFE: Oh, the evening’s not over yet. [opens bathroom door]
HUSBAND: Can I marry you again?