Ready to laugh? Ready to “like” all of these tweets?
Of course you are, that’s why you’re here!
So let the laughing commence.
1. No, it really doesn’t.
I was telling my roommate a story about how once back in the day I peed AND vomited on myself at a bar and she was like “it happens to the best of us!” and I was like no it absolutely does not
— Samm Severin (@waitressboner) September 20, 2019
2. At a loss for words.
my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.
— ellory smith spooky & hot (@ellorysmith) September 19, 2019
3. Just one step above.
My favorite drink is "whichever tequila, not the well one. Like, just one better than that."
— …of the Beaverton Karmels (@IanKarmel) September 20, 2019
4. We did it!
Las Vegas is like if Miami followed through on all the plans it made while on coke.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 21, 2019
5. Wait, is that Chunk from The Goonies?
"…But the worst thing I done I mixed a pot of fake puke at home & I went to a movie theater, hid the puke, climbed up the balcony & then made a noise like: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa & I dumped it over the side, all over the crowd, people got sick & threw up up all over each other.." pic.twitter.com/GALo8l4HDT
— Billy Wayne Davis (@BillyWayneDavis) September 21, 2019
6. That sounds like Hell.
cocaine is the most overrated drug in the world unless you’re really into talking about how the red hot chili peppers are underrated way to close to someone’s face
— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) September 21, 2019
7. Have some fun with this.
HI EVERYONE. I won't have time to walk the press line at the #Emmys this year, so I'm leaving my red carpet look up to you. Would you like to say you dressed an awards show nominee? Just edit your design into these @kimnewmoney photos. High res link in bio! pic.twitter.com/SsBJQhdwBJ
— Emily “Emily Heller” Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) September 21, 2019
8. Nailed it.
As an open mic comic I spent so much time fantasizing about “shutting down a heckler” & tonight during my set a guy finally yelled “when does the comedy start?!” & I couldn’t think of anything clever so I just said “about an hour ago you fuckin idiot” and it got an applause break
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) September 22, 2019
9. The guy is a legend.
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
— Shayne Smith (@Shaydozer) September 22, 2019
10. It’s about time!
Persistence has paid off. Have finally won the trust and affection of my best friend’s cat. 😻😻😻😻😻😻 pic.twitter.com/XGzkmFQXoU
— Richard E. Grant (@RichardEGrant) September 22, 2019
11. Makes a lot of sense.
rich people are not ignorant of climate change. they have clearheadedly assessed the dangers ahead and decided they'd like to maintain their own comfort in exchange for the existence of fish and birds
— Lauren (checkmark coming 11-17-19) (@LLW902) September 24, 2019
12. That is incredible.
In high school, high af, sneaking past ur parent’s bedroom with a bunch of snacks pic.twitter.com/kS7shhgCPp
— Logan Guntzelman (@adirtyguntz) September 24, 2019
13. Don’t do that!
The kiddo is threatening to throw her very first book in the trash because she "doesn't know how to make it better."
I've never felt such sympathy. 😭 pic.twitter.com/q8n45Bi1WL
— Jules Archer (@JulesJustWrite) September 26, 2019
14. Always on message.
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 26, 2019
15. Welp, that blew up.
“Welp. Well this blew up, feel free to check out my YouTube & https://t.co/YJkxelo3zc for show dates!” – me replying to my own tweet about how my kid has gone missing
— Nick Nemeroff (@nicknemeroff) September 25, 2019
Funny, funny, funny. All the way around.