Let’s play a little word association. When I write “Christmas,” what’s the first thing that comes into your head? A Christmas tree? Stockings? Gingerbread houses? All acceptable answers, and those are just a few.
What doesn’t come into your head is something like “dish soap.” Or “car batteries.” Or “vegan lube.” None of those things have anything to do with Christmas, and that’s fine! But it doesn’t stop companies from rolling out nonsensical “Christmas” versions of their products. When they do, we all end up with the absurd junk on this list.
1. Sexy Santa & Mrs. Claus Taking A Bath
Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus are high on everyone’s list of “People We Least Want To Think About Having Sex,” just below “Your Parents” and right above “Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo.”
2. Santa Dreidle
From the makers of “Hanukkah Bacon.”
3. Rudolph The Red-Nosed G-String
Rudolph needs lots and lots of therapy.
4. Santa Tree Cover
Actually, this is a great way to get out of hanging up 5,000 ornaments on your tree. Ingenious, really.
5. Rudolph The Red Nosed Scrub Brush
It’s like a company said, “Let’s see if we can come up with the absolute worst thing you could get at an office White Elephant party.”
6. Santa Toilet Seat Cover
His face looks so horrified by what you just did/are about to do.
7. Lump Of Coal Gum
Unfortunately, the gum is not coal-flavored. That would be punk rock. This is just a dumb stocking stuffer that turns your teeth black.
8. Christmas Bleach
Perfect for scrubbing out the bloods stains from that other parent you beat senseless for the last Fingerlings at Wal-Mart.
9. Santa Chair Covers
Nobody should be allowed to own more than 20 Santa items. More than that and you should need a permit.
10. Winter Spice Dish Soap
There is already too much that smells like “Winter Spice.” We don’t need anything else. Thanks.
11. An advent calendar…for cats.
Cats are well known for their devotion to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. When was the last time your kitty missed a Sunday church service? Answer: never. Not even the week she got spayed.
12. Turkey & Stuffing Tortilla Chips
These are from England, and are also a perfect example of why nobody should ever go to England.
13. Wreath Pasties
If you’re a stripper working on Christmas, these are acceptable.
14. Christmas Merman
Actually, this one is a TOTALLY necessary Christmas item. Why isn’t Christmas Merman part of everyone’s holiday tradition?
15. Christmas Toilet Paper
You know what, this one also belongs on this list. Stock up on this before your big Christmas dinner. That’s all I’ll say about the subject.
h/t: Bloomjoy Collective