Our parents always told us to not talk to strangers. Well, unless they had money or candy. Then it was clearly okay. You have no idea how much money and candy I racked up. Chocolate chocolate kisses ya’ll!
As adults, we can make our own choices (SEE MOM!) even if there’s no money or candy involved. I’m generally a friendly person, but every now and again, I’ve had a situation like this come up where I wish I would have not left the house that day.
Sit back, relax and marvel at the awkwardness from these 13 people who had very uncomfortable moments with complete strangers.
13. Just change the channel
I was riding my motorcycle a month ago when the light ahead of me turned red. So I slowed down and stopped behind the car that was also waiting at the red light. A guy in sweatpants jogs out between me and the car, and for some reason, a TV remote flys out of his pocket and smashes like it was made of glass, all over the street.
The sheer randomness of a guy having a TV remote in his pocket made me burst out laughing, and the guy was staring at the shards of remote in the street like he didn’t know how it got in his pocket. I’m laughing so hard that I ease of my clutch a bit, and scare myself by moving forward an inch, causing me to stall my motorcycle out.
I can’t stop laughing, and now my motorcycle engine isn’t covering the sound. So the guy slowly looks up from the shattered remote and stares directly at me with this pained look on his face.
He does this until I stop laughing, fired my bike back up, and drove around him and down the street.
12. Kids poo the darndest things
I was doing my business in a stall while in a local wal-mart.
Anyways a little boy had to use the restroom and he started pulling on the door and said “Daddy the doors stuck!” and I said “somebodys in here.”
The little kid kept pulling on the door “I HAVE TO GO POOOOO!!” started screaming at me to get out then tried to crawl under the stall.
I had to put my foot on the top of his head to stop him from getting in.
oh God why….
11. Not exactly a “cute meet.”
On the first day of the semester I was walking on campus, and one of my hands kind of swung into this stranger’s penis, cupping it for a second.
We made eye contact and then quickly walked away from each other.
When I get to class, I find out he is my TA.
I never went in for extra help.
I have a minor social phobia. I was on the bus the other day, and I decided that I want to live my life, goddammit. I wanted to just start a conversation with a stranger, and I didn’t know how. This woman and I were the only two people on the bus. I had this comic in my head, and I figured the best thing I could do was just be honest.
I looked at her and said,
“Isn’t it funny how we’re so afraid to just begin a conversation with another human being?”
She just stared at me.
So to answer my own question – yes, it is funny, in a very tragic way.
9. Stop following me!
Ended up going to a gas station and filled up my car while this older guy was there doing the same.
We both drove off and ended up at a Starbucks about 2 miles away.
We then both ended up at the gym and ran a few treadmills apart.
We both knew.
It was awkward.
8. Look! Ice cream!
When I was 12 or 13 my family was at some resort-style hotel that had a big indoor pool room. I met another boy there during the vacation and we’d hang out every day. One day we casually walked into the indoor pool room and saw that there were tables covered in food everywhere, including a giant DIY ice cream sundae table. We both got real excited and ran over and started building epic sundaes.
Halfway through building them a woman came up to us and asked who we were. We were both like deer in headlights as we slowly looked around the room and realized there was a party going on and everyone was staring at us. We didn’t say anything, we just put down our ice cream and walked out of there as quickly as we could. Somehow we had missed the giant signs all over the doors saying that a private party was going on.
I later found out that my dad saw us go in and decided it would be funnier to watch what happened than to grab us before we made fools of ourselves.
7. The Men’s Room
I was at the airport taking a red-eye overseas.
I arrive at the international gate, it’s deserted because it’s 2AM. So I decided to take some sleeping pills, wait a few minutes, get drowsy, and figure I should take a pre-flight deuce. Trot over to the bathrooms, which are completely empty at this hour, pick a stall and start going to work.
Two minutes later I hear clack-clack of someone coming into the bathroom. All I can think is “damn this guy has some loud shoes”. 30 seconds later the bathroom fills up… A flight had just deplaned and this was the post-flight bathroom crowd. All I can think is “all these guys have really loud shoes”… well, still doing my business, I peak under the stall and suddenly my heart drops like it has never has dropped in its life. You know what shoes are loud on tiles? Heals.
That moment I realized I, a grown man, am taking a giant smelly dump in the women’s restroom. And then it hits me… I didn’t see any urinals walking in, and this weird trash bin next to the toilet – it’s filled with tampons.
Freaking out, I do the only thing I can think of. I freeze. Pull my feet really close to the toilet and try to cover up my shoes so hopefully no one can tell a man is in there. I sit there for 15 minutes, listening to women come in and out, using the bathroom 1 foot from me and chit chatting on the other side of the door. I’ve never sweat so much in my life and been so terrified I’m about to become an accidental sex offender.
Finally, the waiting pays off. I can tell the bathroom is empty for a split second. No time to wipe. I pull my pants up and bolt out of there. As I run out, in that moment, there’s a guy clearly looking for the bathrooms right outside but can’t find them. He sees me running out and decides this must me the men’s restroom and goes in.
5 seconds later, as I duck into the men’s restroom to finish my business, I take a quick look over my shoulder and see him coming back out with a terrified “WTF?” look staring at me.
6. When you gotta go…
I was once in one of those human sized mazes.
It was a pretty big one and I was probably 25 minutes into it when I started to have the urge to pee. I snuffed it off and just thought I would go when I go out.
Fast forward another 20 minutes and I had to pee so incredibly bad. I was frantically power walking my way through this maze to find the exit. I was interrogating strangers on how to get out, but I was getting no where.
I now find myself running through the maze, trampling over children as I quickly round blind corners. being a complete ass.
Finally, a part of the maze I haven’t been to yet! I thought this must be it! I am home free!
I froze. I stood there, alone, scared, and helpless. I had to urinate so bad I literally could not move a muscle. I tried to take a slow step forward and it was let loose like a gushing fire hydrant.
I was so defeated during the moment that I didn’t even think about pulling my pants down and just going all over the wall. Pee had won. It got what it wanted. There I was having to accept all this like I had just lost my dog.
After I soaked my pants I slowly turned around and started to walk out. I could hear some girls coming around the corner and knew I was in for it. Of course it was some pretty girls that looked at me like I was a freak. And I just said to them like it was no big deal, “Yup, peed my pants.”
They didn’t say a word to me.
It took me another ten agonizing minutes to find my way out of the maze. Everyone laughing, pointing, making faces at me. It was horrible. I couldn’t escape it, literally.
Even when I made it out one of the employees asked what happened and I just gave him a cold stare.
When I was 13, I was at the local convenience store with friends in the middle of winter. We all decided to get some frothy cappuccinos to warm our spirits. I decided on the French Vanilla, while my other friend went for an English Toffee.
We paid while our other friends were perusing other items and started walking towards the door, with me walking in front. As I approached the door, I took the cap off my frothy beverage, smelled it, and turned back to my friend with my eyes closed while giving an over-the-top and obnoxious “Mmmmmmmm” sound.
When I opened my eyes, I realized it wasn’t my friend but an extremely unimpressed middle aged woman with glasses. We stared at each other for at least five seconds, me rooted to the spot in shock, and her judging me. She then moved past me and left.
It turns out my one friend doubled back to go talk to the other friends perusing other things, and the middle age woman had purchased her things right after mine. My friends saw it all and were dying of laughter.
4. Good genes
I was out at a Walmart picking up a few things back when I was in High School and I ran into a girl I had just started dating a week prior (I was actually about to go over to her house for the first time).
She ran up behind me and did a kind of groping hug on me which had surprised me at the time because well I wasn’t expecting. She told me she was just about to be leaving after grabbing a few last minute things so I told her I would see her at her house.
Well I was walking around the store and I saw her again in the soda isle in the back so I figured hey I’d do what she did to me. I went up behind her gave her a hug and groped her all in one motion.
It wasn’t her, it was her mom.
3. Where are you from!?!
I spent about 5 minutes in conversation with a woman at the bus stop yesterday. She first asked me where I was from. I told her ‘Around here,’ but that didn’t cut it. She repeated her question and I repeated my answer. With a heavy sigh, she asked ‘No, what country were you born in?’ I replied, ‘This one.’ This appeared to vex her enormously.
She went on to ask where my parents were born, and dissatisfied with the answer I gave (‘They were both born in Britain’) she asked where my grandparents were born. She clearly suspected me of being a total liar when I answered that all of my grandparents were born in Britain. She then told me that someone in my family must be Turkish, and went on and on about it for what felt like an eternity.
I’m still quite confused, and have been asking friends if I look Turkish.
Not one of them has said that I do.
2. Open wide!
I once walked into a restaurant- I went straight to the bathroom, past the people who I now realize were waiting in line.
I flung open the bathroom door AS WIDE AS FREAKING POSSIBLE and saw a girl on the toilet.
We looked at each other wide-eyed until I final screamed “WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD!!!” loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. Causing everyone to turn and look.
Embarrassed I ran as fast as I could, leaving the door wide open open.
The worst part? It was the type of door that closed itself ever so slowly, leaving the wide-eyed girl awkwardly sitting on the toilet with everyone staring at her.
1. You know what’s coming…
When I was a kid I liked to extend my arm fully out of the window to feel the wind.
On one occasion I was riding with my dad who lived in the city and we were driving down a particularly narrow street with two lanes.
As usual I had my arm hanging out of the window and I ended up SLAPPING an old man right in the face int he car next to us as we drove by.
He immediately started shouting at me and I began rolling up the window (non-automatic window) as quickly as my little hands would roll.