Married life is all about peaks and valleys, ups and downs, and taking the good with the bad.
Oh, and it’s also about your spouse driving you totally insane sometimes.
That’s the fun stuff, right?
Sure it is…
If you’re hitched, these tweets are really, really, really gonna look familiar…
1. All married couples should consider this.
It’s the leading cause of divorce in the United States. Did you know that?
I’ve decided to turn the spare bedroom into an extra dining room so my husband can chew apart from me.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 30, 2020
2. Sounds fascinating!
I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!
Quarantine day 13: My husband is describing sandpaper to me.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2020
3. You’re really pushing it, pal.
But I will be laughing from afar.
Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP.
Wife: let me in the fucking house.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) March 28, 2020
4. You know she’s still listening, somehow.
You’re already on very thin ice.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 4, 2020
5. Is that really sanitary?
Then again, who am I to judge?
Me: Can you hand me that clip?
Husband: Can you please buy some actual hair clips? Every time you want to wear your hair up I have to finish the chips.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2020
6. Just lurking in the background.
Is that Bigfoot? No, it’s my husband Tom…
Every husband in the background of a Zoom conference. pic.twitter.com/eMfnRO7q01
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 2, 2020
7. The answer is NO.
We all know people like this.
Wife: What movie should we watch?
Me: That depends. Are you going to stay awake past the opening credits?
Wife: *already asleep*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2020
8. Blender = Ordered.
You really showed him!
I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 2, 2020
9. A deep, deep burn.
Need some lotion for that BURN?!?!
Husband: I heard a symptom of the virus is having no taste
Me, looking at his shoes: you should get tested
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 1, 2020
10. Sounds like a blast.
Just try to remember the old days if you can.
Making Sunday breakfast before marriage: Cute and fun
Making Sunday breakfast after marriage and kids: Rage beating eggs and passive aggressively burning bacon
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 29, 2020
11. The thrill is gone.
And now you know why!
I ran out of deodorant four days ago. On a completely unrelated note, my husband has quit asking for sex.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 29, 2020
12. Honey, it’s my back this time.
Do what you gotta do to get out of those chores, people!
Had to fake an injury to get out of doing some of these chores I’ve been telling my wife I would do as soon as I had the time.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 26, 2020
13. Sweet little nothings.
A nice thing to wake up to.
my wife likes to whisper sweet things in my ear in the morning like…"the toilet leaked all night and the floor is flooded."
— Dadman Quarantined (@dadmann_walking) March 25, 2020
14. You pretty much need to stop doing anything and everything.
Get it? Got it? Good!
Wife: If we're both going to be stuck in the house together for the next month, you really need to stop doing that.
Me: Stop doing what?
Wife [gesturing to me, in general]: that.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 2, 2020
I think those are pretty accurate, don’t you?
Now it’s your turn!
In the comments, tell us something funny/ridiculous/weird/annoying/obnoxious that your spouse has done lately!
We’d love to hear from you, dear readers!