Dads can say the darndest things.
Moms too. I mean, they call them ‘dad stories,’ but I know at least a couple of moms that have a pretty good grasp on the BS machine.
I don’t think it’s ever really done in malice. But when you answer up to 1,000 questions in a day, you might start to veer into the absurd at some point. You’ve got to entertain yourself somehow, after all.
The following 18 AskReddit stories are prime examples:
1. The Force Foot
My 5 year old actively believes I can use the force. Been shutting doors with my foot while waving my hands at them. Hasn’t caught on yet.
2. “Bug Eggs”
My dad convinced my brother and I that black pepper was actually “bug eggs”. I believed it until I told a group of friends this when I was FIFTEEN, as if it was a fact that they somehow had never known, and they all looked at me like a total idiot. Googled it, not bug eggs.
My parents convinced my sister and I that it was illegal to talk in the car.
Worked on my sister until she was about 10.
I told my nephew that if he fed the seagulls they were then obligated to poop on him. It didn’t matter how far away he was or if he hid, they would follow him for the rest of his life until they pooped on him. I honestly have no idea how long he believed this for but it was at least the length of his sisters ball game.
5. Rabbit’s Tale
My dad told me that if you put salt on a rabbit’s tail it couldn’t move. It was his way of wearing us out because we would chase the rabbits around trying to shake salt on them.
6. “Now where’s that receipt?”
This was actually my mom, but she told me she bought me at Kmart til i was like 6. When ever she was mad she’d start looking for the receipt. I was never worried though, I knew how easy they were to lose.
7. Dino Fighter
My dad has this weird scar on his hip/side. When we were little he said it was from fighting a dinosaur. Then it was from fighting a bear when we called him out on the dinos.
It was from putting a piece of coral in the waistband of his swim trunks when snorkeling for a keepsake, turned out to be fire coral.
My dad convinced me there was an “ah woo gah” button in his car. Whenever I would press to button he yelled “ah woo gah.” I had no idea it was him for longer than I care to admit to…
When my little ones were 4 and 2 and a half I accidentally reversed over their beloved but much abused dog Steg (short for Stegosaurus (I know…. I know…)). I quickly had her cremated but told them she had been recruited by a talent scout to star in dog movies. They were sad to hear that but happy that she was about to be a star. For several years we watched all kinds of those terrible films in the hopes of spotting her, and apparently we did see her a couple of times to their delight. I was less delighted to be watching these films, and looking back years later I’m not sure the days of my life spent watching them was worth hiding her death. But what’s done is done and perhaps they are happier, healthier, more hopeful young adults because of it.
10. The Elusive Haggis
My dad convinced me that a haggis was a real animal. I spent a few holidays in Scotland looking intently out the car window desperate to spot one.
He told me that they had 6 legs but one side of their legs was shorter than the other so to catch them haggis hunters chased them the wrong way round the mountain.
I remember being slightly suspicious of the 6 legs bit but I never wavered in my faith that a haggis was real.
I was an embarrassingly mature age when I was told it was a lie.
Edit: I’m pleased to see other kids knew of the haggis legend. I now have an 18 month old and I fully intend to continue with the tradition!
11. The Invisible Hand
We have those “walk” lights in our town which show a timer that counts down to zero, when the light will change. I told my kids that if you are caught in the crosswalk when the timer gets to zero a large mechanical hand will swoop down and scoop you up and put you on the sidewalk. They always made sure they were across before the light changed. (They now claim they never really believed me, but I have my doubts.)
12. Moses Smith
My sister and I wanted to know what Moses’ last name was. We asked my dad while he was driving and he nonchalantly answered, “Smith”. My sister and I thought his last name was Smith for YEARS until we mentioned it years later and he started crying from laughing so hard because he forgot he told us that. He also told us that Queen consisted of just Freddie Mercury and that Bohemian Rhapsody was just him singing. He ALSO told us at Disneyland while we were visiting for vacation that if we whined or cried about being tired that we would be admitted to Disney prison and he would have to leave us there for the whole day. Anytime we started to get upset he nervously looked around as if he was afraid the Disney police would come and we would immediately shut up.
13. A sibling gets into the mix…
You see, my sister had a problem with soiling herself in her preschool years. It would drive my mom totally crazy, because she was there almost every day to bring her clean clothes, or to return the clothes my sister had to borrow due to her constantly peeing/pooping herself. However, when my little sister began to see that peeing just wasn’t in style anymore, the pooping intensified. Frustrated with this – because, EW, poop – I told my sister the following: “Hey, you know .. poop is an actually an ACID. It burns through your pants. It leaves a giant hole, and guess what? EVERYONE SEES YOUR BUTT. That’s SO embarrassing. You better cut the crap.” (Pun totally intended.) After I talked to her, her pooping-extravaganza comes to a sudden halt. My mom has no idea why it has stopped, but is thrilled nonetheless. Fast-forward a decade later – my mom, sister, and I are in the car. I’m not exactly sure how the topic came up, but we began discussing poop, particularly the in-your-pants kind. Quietly, with wide-eyes, my sister asks: “Wait .. isn’t poop, like, an acid?” I took a few years off my life with how hard I laughed. I love my sister.
14. Sports Race Volvo
My boy believed my beat-up old Volvo was actually a “sports race car” until he was like 7 simply because me and his mom kept referring to it as one.
Last night, my second cousin told me my Mom answered the door on her first date with my Dad holding her childhood blanket, which was extremely embarrassing for her. My Dad overheard and told her he made up the story in attempt to get my second cousin to throw out her own blanket when she was a kid.
I often throw in an etymology lesson whenever something comes up and I think it has a neat word origin. But I also can’t help myself and sometimes totally fabricate etymology. My girls will recite now when I start saying “And horse is short for ‘hornless'” and they’ll finish it with “which is what type of unicorn they are.”
I’ll consider it a major victory if one of them can convince one of their teachers that this is correct.
17. Deer Bite
My dad told me as a kid that his big scar on his toe was because “I was sleeping and a deer bit me on the toe.” I BELIEVED IT UNTIL I WAS 17. Someone was telling a story about animal aggression in deer, and I was like “Yeah my dad…uhhh…nothing bye!”
18. The Ghost of Falling Rock
So when I was a kid we used to go out in the mountains a lot. Usually hunting or fishing or whatever. So my dad didn’t have much patience for my two brothers and my shenanigans. So anyway…
Have you ever seen the “Falling Rock” signs on the side of highways and dirt roads?
My dad would get reaaaaaaallllll annoyed every time we had to stop and go to the bathroom or get out of the truck to get a drink or whatever.
This is where is turns into a real dick move. So every time he saw one of those “Falling Rock” signs, he’d tell us that Falling Rock was an Indian spirit that would kidnap us if we got out of the truck and stayed out to long. Sure as shit worked. Out and back in the truck in no time. I believed that shit for years… that’s the embarrassing part.
Anyway, my 8 and 4 year old believe the heck out of it.
Want more real stories from the Interwebs? Check out these other great collections: