1. Fart = 7 year relationship
The first time my SO and I slept together I woke up during the night to use the bathroom. I came back in the room and she farted one of the loudest farts I’ve ever heard. I started laughing like crazy and she almost woke up. Almost. We’ve been together for seven years.
2. Caesar Salad
Her Caesar salad dressing. It’s actually the best thing ever but even after two years she refuses to tell me what’s in it. What she doesn’t know is that I have secretly been watching her make it over the past few months. I have finally pieced it together and now I have the power!!
Edit: Everyone wants the secret recipe. But she has reddit, and I prefer life.
My ex, and the cheating. She thinks I found out when I looked at her phone, but I new about two months earlier when she sent me a pic of herself watching Netflix in bed. I don’t think she realized that the dude’s face was 100% visible reflected in the laptop. After that it was a matter of me being in denial and trying to fix things.
4. Steamer Pack
A girl I dated a few years back had just graduated with her bachelors so I took her out for a night on the town. Her and our friends got absolutely demolished and since this was before Uber, I volunteered to be DD. So around 2am she’s tanked, we head out and she wants krystal burgers. Very adamant about that, so I stop by Krystals and order a steamer pack so I can have some too and then have leftovers. She eats somewhere around 8, I get her home, get her into her bed and she immediately passes out. I am sitting next to her watching some TV when I smell something. I notice that she has just shit herself. She is one of those people who would be so ashamed of herself if anyone found out so I just… left. I called her the next day and told her I dropped her off, got her some water and headed home. Never mentioned her shitting herself or anything so to this day she thinks she did it in her sleep after I left. I could have stayed and helped her clean it up and I probably should have, but she would have cried over that and avoided me sporadically for weeks.
5. Frozen Croutons
Everybody likes snacks, right? Some of us like chips, others like fruit, or yogurt. Well, my wife likes croutons. Frozen croutons to be exact and she tries to hide it like an alcoholic hides bottles of vodka. Where does she hide the croutons? In the freezer. At first I’d put them in the pantry when we get home from the grocery store, but they’d always end up in the freezer. I’d be like, “Uh, hon, what’s up with the croutons in the freezer?” and she’d act like she had no idea what I was talking about. Now here’s the thing, I’ve tried them and now I’m addicted to them too. So now I openly eat cold croutons out of the freezer as a snack, and she tells me what a weirdo I am while she eats half the bag with me. No idea why she’s embarassed to admit what a genius she is for discovering such an awesome snack. BTW, the best kind is Chatham Village garlic and cheese flavor.
My wife dropped my iPhone in a Port-A-Potty toilet. Luckily it has been so used there was a large pile of shit which gently held the phone above the liquid. She cleaned it off and gave it back to me. A year later I upgraded and gave her my old phone.
She insisted on purchasing a new cover even though I had a high-end OtterBox. I never understood why until one of the kids told on her.