Advertisement

This Dad Chronicles The Ups And Downs Of Parenting Four Daughters In Honest Instagram Posts

Photo Credit: father_of_daughters

Advertisement

When you’re the parent of four daughters, you’re not just a parent. You’re also a boxing referee, a chauffeur, a therapist, a medic, and more jobs than we could possibly list here. That’s how Simon Hooper sees it. He’s an author and the creator of the Father of Daughters Instagram account, where he chronicles the daily ups and downs of living with four kids.

Hooper’s account is a deliberate counterpoint to all the so-called “perfect parenting” accounts that dominate Instagram, but it all comes from a well-earned place. As he told The Huffington Post, Hooper started out as “a 24 year old man-child with no idea of what being a dad involved.” Today his oldest daughter is 12, and his youngest daughters are 4-year-old twins. He’s come a long way, but he’s still figuring stuff out.

Below you can check out 15 of his funniest not-quite-perfect parenting moments. And if you’re a parent yourself, just know that nobody really knows what they’re doing. (via Bored Panda)

 

1. You’re never alone.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

No, this is not a background extra milking their scene in some low budget B movie horror film. It’s the moment when I was getting headshots taken for my book & Ottie decided she absolutely positively couldn’t give me a moment to myself – transforming my moment, very much into her moment. Clemmie scooped her up seconds later & I can laugh at this now but it does remind me just how hard it can be to achieve the simplest of tasks when a wailing child is within close promixity – thanks @philippajames for catching the memory & exposing the realities behind the image you see in the book! (Click on the link in my bio to get a copy) #backgroundscenegrabber #stealingmymoment #zombietoddler #theimagebehindtheimage #parenthoodinapicture #foreveroutnumbered #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #fod #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

2. Diapers, by the numbers.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Parenting by numbers No. 1: they say you shouldnt think about things in their totality as the numbers can boggle the mind – like the amount of money we pough into alcohol over a life time in order to procure bespoke hangovers that even vanish won’t remove, but I’m going to run a series called ‘parenting by numbers’ anyway, starting with the joy of wiping arses. (5 nappies a day X 365) for 3 years = 5475 nappies before they’re potty trained. Now multiple than by the No. Of kids you’ve collected, in my case, 4. That’s 21,900 bags of human produced nappy offal we’ve had the pleasure of dealing with. Each takes approximately 90 seconds to do (you keeping up with me so far?) so that’s a total of 32,850 minutes or 22.8 solid days of starring at shit covered rear ends while avoiding eye contact & suppressing gag reflexes. You do less time in prison than that these day for a dealing crack to kids! Of that, 80% are performed on the changing table, 10% are done in random places around the house (worktops, loving floor etc) the remaining 10% is out in the wild. So the question is, where is the weirdest place you’ve changed a nappy? #ididoneinthemiddleofprimark #getthecalcuatorout #dontthinkaboutittoomuch #nappiesbynumbers #parentingbynumbers #shareyourstory #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

3. Sometimes, you’re just a piece of furniture.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Despite the fact my name is not Charles emes and I’m not available to buy today with 0% interest over 3 years from DFS, every single time I go down on my knees to retrieve discarded objects, I’m set upon by 2 small curly haired offenders who think my spine is a sofa. It’s as if they have a built in 6th sense that alerts them to when I’m open for attack- Perhaps its that noise I’ve started making when I bend down, you know, the one that every man over the age of 35 makes that’s like a balloon deflating that draws their attention. All I know is that one moment I’m alone thinking it’s safe to clear up, the next my back is forming a U bend under the weight of 2 telly addicts who treat me as a human piece of furniture. Spinal surgery, here I come. #newspineplease #0percentAPR #dadsofa #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

4. A trip to the grocery store is an epic saga.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

This is a long one, but it’s worth it so bear with me. Day 6 & my parents are driving across the country to come & provide a helping hand. Having been on our own for so long, I’ve been running food stocks at bare minimum levels but after gazing into the fridge this morning, it became apparent that unless I wanted to feed my mum & dad cling film wrapped bowls of non descript half eaten meals, out of date yoghurts & veg that was growing new species, we were going to have to do a food shop before they arrived. Hands down the worst experience of the week – Delilah escaped the buggy & while chewing a pack of new Zealand lamb, proceeded to run away from me like a dog that had been stung in the arse by a genetically modified hornet. Minutes later a security guard returned her to me while I pleaded with ottie not to open the yoghurts. She ignored me & proceeded to dip her entire fist into it & do a picasso on the buggy. Oh joy. When we got to the checkout, i proceeded to unload everything from my basket , only to do a 180 & find my 2 Rays of sunshine had got out of their restraints again & were now proceeding to strip quicker than an overenthusiastic nudist on the first day of their holidays – Coats were thrown, wellies were discarded & trousers we round ankles. After members of the public helped load my shopping, i dressed them only for them to then scream solidly for the next 5 minutes without breath as I waited for everything to be scanned. I could actually feel my ass sweating from the stress as all eyes burnt holes in my head. I then forgot my pin number & after struggling to pull together enough cash , I realised I’d bought so much I couldn’t carry it home without ripping my fingers to bloody shreds. To top it all, I got home only to realise I’d left the beer I bought on the floor by the tils. As you can imagine, the twins & I aren’t talking right now. We need some space. #justkillmenow #whydidntidoitonline #teamworkdidntwork #stopthatgirlwiththemeat #solo #parenting #supermarketstrip #twins #fail #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

5. Sleep is the most precious thing in the world.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

For those of you that have been paying attention, you may have noticed that I’m not a mother, but I do happen to live with a particularly sleep deprived one, so when I was asked by @pampersworld what I thought mums might want for Mother’s day, the answer fell out of my mouth Pavlovian style before my brain even had time to process the question & fire up my synapses – it’s the same thing I hope for on Father’s Day – to be left alone to enjoy a lie in that doesn’t involve small fingers exploring your eyesockets and perversely, on the one day a year you get to celebrate being a parent, to not being one for a while. So with that, I’m planning on releasing the shackles of parenthood & letting clemmie run free to be not a mum, but to be herself, while I cash in the Pampers Club app points & get a discount on a @deliveroo. You may not be able to polish a turd, but you can at least get some benefits from them, so download the app using the link in my bio – Finally – changing nappies pays dividends. What do you want for mother’s Day? #metime #motherday #poopays #everydayshouldbemothersday #parentsdayoff #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #ad #fod #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

6. If your daughter says you’re a princess, you’re a princess.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Yes I do look like the mid 30’s love child of a Disney Princess and the Easter bunny or perhaps an unsuccessful drag act you’d find on a cruise liner who specialises in animal impressions, but this what happens when you let you children projectile vomit the contents of the dressing up box onto you. Clemmie walked in on us after l having called us for dinner multiple times to find what must look like the hangers-on who are still sleeping in field 2 days after the festival finished – me, a blond Bob Dylan lookalike, a fairy & a disgruntled Delilah who was livid that the very hungry Caterpillar costume was covered in welded on weetabix. Clemmie turned & walked out in silence – you said you’d take me in sickness and in health – well dressing up is my sickness. Now, how do you dislocate your shoulders to get out of this human body trap? #cruiserlinerentertainment #disneylovechild #dressingup #imcomfortablewithwhoiam #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #fod #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

7. Chaos reigns.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

No, this is not an art installation of man made clouds inside a room or a flock of oddly shaped migrating birds hovering over my girls, it is infact packing paper. Not content with enough boxes to use one box a day to create imaginary castles, race cars, caves and coffins (Anya was very morbid today) for an entire year, they have created a soft play out of this mini rainforest worth of packaging. Today was my first official day back at work so you can imagine how well that went when this unlicenced rave was going on next door. “Yes david, I can see your screen, so thats the revenue projections for this quarter? Hold on a second….would you lot please try and keep the noise level below riot level in here, I’m in the next room??!! ….sorry David, the neighbours in my new place are ferrel and keep asking for food”. #workingfromhome #softplayinmyhouse #unpacking #worstneighboursever #conferencecallfromhell #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

8. Bathtime only makes things messier.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

This is what happens when you leave your sister in charge of bathing the twins, who then promptly take complete advantage of the situation and decide to make the contents of the room, including my sister, wetter than a soppy haddock watching back to back rom-coms while in a bath of evian. Mind you, I still think it might be drier than @thebigfeastival where we’re heading tomorrow with the Fam (weather is supposed to be better – fingers crossed). Do come along and say at if you’re there as @mother_of_daughters and I will knocking about & be doing book signings sat next to each other while my parents wrestle the girls and stop them from consuming all the sugar in the known universe ( it’s obviously not a competition, but if my line could be longer than clemmie’s, it would be much appreciated!) See you there! #wetroom #soppyhaddock #youhadonejob #comeandsayhi #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

9. There’s no such thing as a small victory.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Usually bedtime is like walking into a warzone, a warzone with low level lighting, soft furnishings & bunny rabbits. Its a place where books are used as sharp cornered weapons and children break camoflague from underneath soft toys to lob bottle shaped milk grenades indiscriminately at people over 4 ft tall, but tonight was different. In the time it took me to get milk squared away and peg it back upstairs, the twins exhausted all of their energy reserves, allowing the silent assassin, sweet sweet jetlag, to stealthly slip in behind enemy lines and render them comatose. This was our victory photo. Of course the victory is bitter sweet as I now have to move these dead weights & will no doubt be revisited by them at 3am when they think it’s morning, bit for now, we’ll bask in the glory that is 2 little girls that fought the good fight, but lost to sleep. (See stories for vids). #jetlagforthewin #theycametheyfoughttheylost #easiestbedtimeever #ilovethesmellofnappiesinthemorning #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

10. Your house will turn into a laundromat.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

I don’t know if anyone else is aware of this new trend that seems to be sweeping the nation, but if you’re under 3, apparently its super cool these days to wear your food instead of actually digesting it. This fad (which I’m sure I was part of when I was younger) has resulted in an ever growing mountain-range of stained clothes – the size of which the Alps would be intimidated by – and a never ending cycle of washing. In fact, if our washing machines were people, they would have unionised by now & called a session to address unfair working conditions & underpayment. That’s why we’ve partnered with @Persiluk Powergems try and reduce the workload by removing the grubbiest of stains & adding in freshness, all while keeping the clothes feeling like new in one go – this detergent is a gem (no really, what you pop into the machine are actually little gems!). Now I just need you to share some #laundrygems tips to help me figure out how to stop everything ending up in the duvet cover & how to identify cashmere items so that they don’t end up a size that a doll would have trouble breathing in! All suggestions welcome! #drowninginlaundry #laundrygems #thetattoosofthefabricworld #itneverends #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod #ad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

11. There are always dishes to unload.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

When unloading the dishwasher this evening I could help notice the contents is looking a lot like the left overs from a gay pride parade. That or a unicorn ate a gone off rainbow has vomited onto my plates. Before kids, we spent a long time curating the perfect crockery collection – It matched, it was pristine & everything stacked nicely. Fast forward 10 years –  we now have a collection of chipped plates & dishes that match as well as tweed & trainers & have faded much like my youthful complexion. our cupboards are full of round edged rainbow coloured plastic & wood eating implements. Come dinner parties or any dinner time come think about it,  we genuinely struggle to not use bowls without cartoon cats on them. If you don’t have kids already, get ready as this WILL happen to you. Tag someone who understands my pain or needs to know about this. BTW I have no idea why Marnie is in a leotard, I just don’t ask anymore. #gaypridedishwasher #softcorneredeverything #unicornvomitcrockery #rainbow #familylife #fod #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

12. The reality of changing diapers in public when you’re a Dad.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Dads change nappies too: Apart from the ballsy women with bladders apparently the size of a old pea that barge into mens toilets to avoid the queue of cross-legged females snaking around the building, many ladies probably have no idea what goes on in the room marked ‘Gentlemen’. Well here’s the secret – it’s usually a lot of guys peeing into urinals trying to overcome stage fright, a couple of blocked toilets, a few broken taps, a floor that’s like walking on glue and occasionally a guy struggling to change their kids nappy – jacket laid on the toilet seat, on his knees in a cubicle, keeping the broken door shut with his arse. Why? Because, believe it or not, in 2019 many men’s toilets still don’t have changing tables. That means we either rough it in the men’s, use the disable one go alfresco (behind a tree / down an alley) or pass responsibilities to the ladies in our lives. This needs to change. And I’m not just talking about the nappy. Any dad’s out there with horror stories to share? Is your country better than the UK? I want to get legislation changed so can do what has to be done in relative comfort and hygiene! #changelegislationnotjustnappies #wetknees #dadschangetoo #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

13. You’re baffled, but also kind of impressed.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Ottie & Delilah still confuse the hell out of me but I’m starting to see differences. They could be mistaken for a narcissistic toddler starring in the mirror, yet they’re obviously wired differently when it comes to tackling everyday problems that 18mth olds face. Much like a team building exercise at work that no one really a cares about (apart from Phil in finance) this morning the twins tackled the age old conundrum since bowls were invented – “How do I drink the milk at the bottom of the sodding bowl if the bowl’s stuck to the table?” Ottie opted for the traditional ‘spoon the milk on the table & face plant in it’ – standard. Delilah thought outside the box & employed brute strength to overcome the gravity of the entire planet & poured the bowl, tray still attached, down her gullet. Somedays I struggle to express in words just how proud I am of these 2. #1problem2solutions #futurecrystalmazecontestants #nopointinclothesatbreakfast #philinfinanceisageek #breakfast #feedingtime #parenting #problemsolvers #twins #fod #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

14. Watch out for kitchen thieves.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Either Delilah is using the fridge to conduct climate simulation training for a nursery day trip up the north face of the Eiger that I don’t remember signing the consent form for or I’ve just caught the person responsible of foot prints in the butter & the constant vanishing of yoghurts, frankfurters, grapes, blueberries and cheese strings. This also explains why she always had a cold stomach and looks permanently guilty. Note to all fridge designers – I need a decent fridge lock and shelves that can’t be used and steps. Anyone got any bright ideas to stop the human fridge magnets that doesn’t involve gaffer tape? #coldweathertrainingsimulator #ohnoitsafridge #thisexplainsalot #gaffertapeperhaps #humanfridgemagnet #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on

15. And then there are the moments that make it all worth it.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

I’d like to introduce you to an invention I created this morning called ‘The multipurpose kiss’ – a kind of 2 for 1 deal that says ‘hello, I missed you’ whilst simultaneously saying ‘goodbye, I’m abandoning you again’. Having returned from switzerland for a total of 6 hours and with less sleep under my belt than an professional insomniac, I’m now topping up my carbon footprint by jumping on yet another plane, but this time for work. This means I get to use my special corporate funded super power! It’s a kind of crap X-ray vision that allows me to see the inside of boring places like hotels, airports, planes and offices & nothing else. I’ll be accompanied by my ever faithful side kick – a very large awkwardly shaped bag that’s marked ‘extra heavy’ which contains all the guilt I’ll be carrying with me from leaving @mother_of_daughters solo and most importantly, from missing Ottie and Delilah’s 3rd birthday. Thank you Clemmie for supporting me, I know it’s not easy and I really do appreciate it even though I may not say it sometimes. You are a hero. #whenworkinterferswithfamilylife #andthecrapdadawardgoesto #corporatesuperpowers #crapxray #daddyonlyjustgothome #multipurposekiss #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on


h/t: Bored Panda