Relationships have lots of milestones: the first time you say “I love you,” the day you move in together, the first time you go grocery shopping together, and on and on. But one of the most important and least discussed milestones is the first time you fart in bed.
It’s important to note why farting in bed is so much more important than farting in general. First of all, you’re in close proximity with lots of blankets to trap in your air biscuits. There’s nowhere to hide. Second, it’s pretty much inevitable. Even if you’re the most conscientious fart-holder, you’ll still let one slip in bed when you’re asleep. It’s going to happen, so you might as well learn how to do it correctly.
Luckily, Weng Chen is here to help. She’s a cartoonist behind the Tumblr The Adventures of Messy Cow, as well as a recovering bed farter. “I ate all kinds of food and often ran into this problem,” she told Bored Panda. “I was curious how other people handled the situation but it’s a hard topic to bring up in casual conversations. So I decided to make a comic about it and was happily surprised by how many people were open to this discussion.”
Below, check out Chen’s guide to farting in bed with a partner. You just might save your relationship.
If your relationship is brand new, you can’t be too careful. The best way to fart in bed is not to be in bed at all. Use “The Right Way.”
No bed-farting style is foolproof, so Weng Chen has helpfully listed the pros and cons for each one.
Nobody wants to get out of bed every time they have to fart, so if you’re comfortable with the first technique, you might be ready for “The Convenient Way.”
Eventually, even shimmying over to the side of the bed will seem like too much work. Luckily, there’s “The Lazy Way.”
If you’re a risk taker, try “The Asshole Way.” (Note: does not work. Is not supposed to.)
And if you want to end your relationship, go ahead and try “The Catastrophic Way”
However, the Catastrophic Way does have a silver lining!
Here are some advanced techniques for pet owners and parents. If you are neither, trying them will make you seem crazy.
Finally, there’s “The Legendary Way,” the farting-in-bed technique that’s also a relationship test.
And there you have it! Everything you need to fart safely in bed next to your partner. Do you have any favorite techniques for bedtime farting? Maybe farting into a Tupperware container, or wearing a scuba suit to bed? Let us know in the comments!
h/t: Bored Panda