Marriage is an eternal union that bonds two loving people together – wait a second, what am I talking about?
People these days get married so they can tweet about it and the rest of us can enjoy it.
At least, that’s my understanding of the institution of marriage. I might be a bit off, though…
But let’s not choose sides here, let’s just all agree that marriage can equal comedy gold. Just like these tweets!
1. It’s not going very well.
My husband is home sick from work today and it's like having one thousand babies.
— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) December 15, 2014
2. Having some dark thoughts?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) November 2, 2014
3. He needed to see the ending.
wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night
[flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud]
me: No I didn't
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 25, 2016
4. How romantic…
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired??
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
5. A new family member.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 8, 2015
6. She always comes through.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015
7. Thanks a lot!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) May 26, 2012
8. Still have some things to work on.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
9. A nice little Friday night.
It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.
We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016
10. I’m sure she doesn’t find this annoying at all.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break
— Evil Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 3, 2016
11. That has ended many relationships.
Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2016
12. Things are getting a little testy.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015
13. Get into the corners really well.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2015
14. His biggest achievement.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.
— realleigh spooky 🎃🕸👻 (@MommaUnfiltered) July 26, 2015
15. Them’s the rules.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
Ladies and gents, share a funny marriage story with us.
And be sure to tell us how long you’ve been hitched so we can compare tales!