There are basically two kinds of gift givers: those who try their best, and those who don’t. If you’re the first kind of gift giver, you know that a gift is a great way to make a person feel loved and appreciated. You spend countless hours preparing for the holiday season. You make a list of everyone in your life, and based on their unique personalities, you come up with a gift that they, and only they, will enjoy. No amount of money or effort is too much to make that happen.
If you’re the second kind of gift giver, you just buy all the gift cards at your local Starbucks and call it a day–even if your loved ones don’t don’t drink coffee.
Well I’m here to tell you that there’s a gift for the both the overachiever and the lazy. It’s memorable, unique, and practically anyone would love it–even your enemies! Meanwhile’s, it’s minimal effort and relatively inexpensive. It’s a fart in a jar.
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
For the ridiculously low price of £9.99 ($12.55), you can mail anyone a jar full o’ flatulence. The airtight jar arrives full of a pungent air biscuit, along with a note you can personalize.
If you’re in the UK, Farts Direct has all of your jarred fart needs covered, whereas if you’re in the US, you can visit their American company, Send a Jart. What inspired them to sell mailable booty bombs? Fart positivity! As it says on their website:
“For years, the notorious ‘Fart’ has been the topic of much hilarity and conversation. Flatulence, trump and bottom-burp are just a few expressions used in modern-day society for breaking wind. But still they are immensely funny…to the childish and immature (where’s the fun in growing up anyway?)
Farting is a part of what beautiful mother nature created right? And we should be loud and proud about it!”
Farts Direct CEO Martin Grix put it more succinctly: “We need to let the stigma surrounding farts go, by letting one go. It’s important to share the guff – especially at Christmas time.”
Photo Credit: WCYY
You probably have questions–any time someone tries to change the world, there will always be people who don’t “get it.” Luckily, the Farts Direct’s website has a FAQ section that should answer any of your lingering doubts.
Is it really a fart in a jar? Yes, it really is a fart in a jar.
How are the farts made? The company doesn’t specify the person or persons doing the farting–trade secrets and all that. All they’re willing to divulge is that once you place your order, the fart will take 1-2 business days to brew before it’s ready to be packaged. Helpfully, the company promises that all farts are non-toxic and non-flammable. (Apparently they haven’t met my Dad.)
Can I send a fart anonymously? Yes, you can!
How long does the smell last? 7-10 days, including shipping time. (Note: Unless they’ve discovered the secret to ultra-long lasting farts, I highly doubt this part is true. Right now, only the military has that technology.)
How bad do they smell? I mean, it’s a fart. It probably doesn’t smell as bad as a fresh fart, but still pretty foul.
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
We all know that farts are not created equal. There are different farts depending on what you ate, when you ate, your overall health, and your body chemistry. And in that spirit, Farts Direct offers many different fart varieties to choose from. Varieties like:
The Original Stinks
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
This one is the platonic ideal of farts. It’s exactly what you think of when you think about fart smell.
Curry Napalm
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
Perfect for anyone who can’t resist Indian food.
From the item’s description: “Is there a specific reason that curry makes your farts smell so bad? One of life’s important questions. Was it the 3 bhajis? Was it the leftover lamb bhuna you had for breakfast? Or was it the 6 pints you had along side it? (Chillis not included)”
Hanging Out Of Your Arse
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
If you’ve ever suffered through a gnarly hangover, you know that it can leave you gassy.
From the website: “The morning after a heavy night out, you might experience nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, and excessive sweating. Another common side effect is really smelly farts. (Tyskie not included.)”
Love Puff
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
A special fart for your special someone. For optimal enjoyment, throw a blanket over your partner’s head just as they open it, Dutch ovening them.
Stuffing Shart
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
Having that fourth helping of stuffing was a bad idea. Guaranteed to burn your eyes and nostrils.
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
The most notorious fart fuel gets a well-deserved tribute.
Finally, since Farts Direct is UK-based, they also have some Brexit-themed fart jars. It’s certainly a divisive issue over there, but if there’s one thing that can unify a nation, it’s a jar full of rectal turbulence.
Brexit: Better Out Than In
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
This one’s specifically for Brits who wanted to leave the European Union. Ideally this fart would be made entirely from British cuisine. Maybe Yorkshire pudding and a pint of real ale?
The Remain: Stay Still In Case It Slips
Photo Credit: Farts Direct
And this one’s for people who wanted to stay in the European Union. They don’t go into details, but I’d imagine it smells something like a combination of French gruyere cheese, German lager, and maybe some Hungarian goulash.
So if you want to make this holiday season one to remember, get your orders in soon while there’s still time. You don’t want to wait until the last minute and trap a fart in your Mom’s Tupperware, do you?