Mark Wahlberg Released His Daily Schedule, And It’s Insane

Ever since people have admired celebrities, they’ve also wanted to get to know those celebrities. Learning facts about a famous person’s private life makes people feel like they actually know that person. And a great way to learn about a person is by learning their daily routine–Jessica Chastain might be impossibly talented and beautiful, but she eats wheat toast every day just like I do! We could be BFFs!

But in Mark Wahlberg’s case, his daily routine makes him seem like a rapping, acting cyborg.

Today, the movie star and co-founder of Wahlburger’s shared a video of himself on Instagram that was recorded from an Equinox gym at 3:48 a.m. EST.

Why so early? Did something terrible happen, like his house was flooded and he was relocated to the nearest evacuation center. Nope. He was there voluntarily, as he is on most days. (We can’t embed the video but if you really want to see it to prove we’re not lying, check it out here.)

But a pre-dawn workout is just the first crazy part of Wahlberg’s daily schedule, which he later shared on his Instagram.

Yiiiiiiiiiiikes. I got exhausted just from reading it! This schedule’s a lot to take in, so let’s go point-by-point.

WHAT?! I’ve literally never heard of someone waking up this early. Not even if they had to catch a pre-dawn flight. Two-thirty in the morning is when you’re supposed to be lying awake in your bed wondering why you can’t fall asleep, while you check your phone every five minutes.

He starts every day with 30 minutes of praying? Even the Pope would say that’s a lot of prayer. Why does it take him so long? Is he sending his prayers via fax?

One hour and thirty-five minutes of working out, before the sun has risen. That’s what professional athletes do. I guess that’s also what you do if you want to be in this good shape at age 47.

Definitely helps to have a whole team of trainers and assistants to drag you out of bed. If those abs get flabby, everyone’s in trouble.

Wow, Mark Wahlberg eats a lot, doesn’t he? Four meals a day plus three snacks. He has the same diet as an Olympic athlete or Henry VIII.

On the other hand, he doesn’t say what these meals and snacks consist of. It’s probably not Bugles and Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s probably that non-food food that rich people eat to stay thin, like gelatinous protein cubes made by NASA.

That’s a VERY long shower.  And then he only has half an hour for golf? I’m pretty sure he got the times wrong here. If this is correct, it would mean he hangs out in the shower for 90 minutes, and then teleports to and from the golf course. Doesn’t sound likely. On the other hand, maybe rich people secretly have teleportation technology.

But the craziest part of all is how he plays golf each and every day without going insane.

That sounds like it’s from science fiction, but cryo healing is another rich person/famous athlete thing. Supposedly, sitting in subzero temperatures helps after a workout because it decreases muscle soreness and speeds recovery.

Mr. Wahlberg doesn’t specify how cold his cryo chamber is, but a typical one is between -160 and -220 degrees Fahrenheit.

Oddly, most athletes only sit in a cryo chamber for a few minutes at a time, and not an hour like Wahlberg does here. Something doesn’t add up. My guess? The hour between 9:30 and 10:30 is a strong candidate for when Marky Mark has his morning BM.

This is the only part of his daily routine dedicated to actual work. Mark Wahlberg only works four hours a day? Not buying that for a second. When he’s not acting, he’s producing TV shows, co-owning a restaurant chain, and doing all the work that’s required to stay famous.

Awwwww. See? Isn’t that relatable? He picks up his kids from school just like you do, even though he could easily have a driver do it. He’s just like you. Maybe he’ll invite you over for a BBQ.

Another workout?! Yikes. But you gotta stay ready. You never know when Men’s Health is gonna need a cover model because The Rock had a last-minute scheduling conflict.

And now we know how Mark Wahlberg manages to get up every day at 2:30 a.m.: by having the same dinnertime and bedtime as toddlers and senior citizens. Can someone explain to me why people want to be famous?

UPDATE 

Wahlberg has since clarified the issue with his golfing times:

So it’s actually an hour and a half for golf and a snack, which is more doable. Still doesn’t explain why he showers from 6 to 7:30.

Must be a two-BMs-a-day kinda guy.

 

 

h/t: Buzzfeed

Follow @itsjimrowley