Hey…I like you. JUST KIDDING IT’S OPPOSITE DAY! BURN! Does this at all sound familiar? Oh, the joys of adolescence. Now, imagine if opposite day were a real thing and you had to go into work and do THE OPPOSITE of what you usually do? Would your job be more enjoyable? I bet some of us would be getting into some serious trouble!
These AskReddit users told us just what they would be paid to do!
#1. You Monster!
“I slaughter endangered birds.”
#2. Like Life Isn’t Hard Enough
“Put special needs children through terrible experiences.”
#3. Stereotypical Movie Villan
“Launder money into banks, work with terrorist organizations to hide funds, create false identities…I’m pretty sure my opposite job pays a hell of a lot better.”
#4. Worst. Assistant. Ever.
“It’s my job to delete stuff at random out of people’s calendars, shred their documents, ignore the phones as they ring and be surly and aggressive to everyone. Huh. Turns out that the opposite of my job is just “how my least favorite colleagues behave”.”
#5. Health Hazard
“Walk around a hospital and throw blood and feces at everyone and everything.”
#6. Enabler
“Help people develop addiction.”
#7. Yay Spellcheck
“I meticulously go through perfectly written presentations, articles, blogs, white papers, technical documents and other pieces of writing and make sure they have as many mistakes and grammatical errors as possible. I also have to make sure they are tough to understand and that all directions are ambiguous and tough to follow. Gotta keep any SEO terms out too so articles will only be found on the 20th page of Google when searched.”
#8. Kickin’ The Caffeine Habit
“I remove features and introduce bugs in software. Also, I spit out 4-6 mugs of coffee a day and pour them back into the coffee pot.”
#9. No More Sushi For You!
“I sit and carefully unroll sushi, placing all the ingredients back in their places. Then I thoroughly dry all the rice and painstakingly stitch all the fish back together. At the end of the day I put on my apron and walk out.”
#10. Safety First
“I make sure you never ever learn how to snowboard, and in the summer I make damn sure that every one of my guests drowns.”
#11. Bitchy McBitch
“I download a metric f*** load of malware on my computer and then call people to complain about it.”
#12. It’s All In A Days Work
“I’m a veterinary student so I’ll kill as many animals as possible particular the ones that are young and cute. I also will shove reproductive organs back inside of them.”
#13. Could You Repeat That?
“I actively make people not understand what their teacher told them in class”
#14. Unnecessary Information
“I go into stores across the entire world and tear down all branding and signs so that nobody knows what they’re buying or how much it costs.”
#15. We’re Experiencing Some Slight Turbulence
“Crash planes! It’s not a very steady job…”
#16. Outbreak
“I don’t know who the Bond-esque super villain that hired me is, but now I’m in charge of spreading mosquito-borne diseases. I’m certainly put in an ethical quandary but this job is probably more lucrative. I’m now an arboviral henchman.”
#17. Sounds Like A Normal Job To Me
“Go to people homes and break stuff, overcharge them and say f*** you when I leave.”
#18. Making Other Jobs Easier
“I obscure information. I take the various information contained in people’s excel files and divide it up into a bunch of separate excel files, so it is harder to cross reference. I use special programs to divide up the information found in our programs and make it harder to access. Then I spend time creating special programs to cost our company more money, and make us less efficient. Business Stupidity, they’ll call us.”
#19. We Never Received That Information
“Traveling to various asphalt plants and informing them that we will be needing that equipment back, while erasing any mention of the client interaction.”
#20. Screw HIPAA
“Conceal patient demographics from hospital staff while simultaneously broadcasting it to the general public.”
#21. Success!
“I’M EMPLOYED F*** YES”