Did you know that back in the day there was a secret language regarding guests and pineapples? Pineapples were gifts of welcome when people arrived (many guest room headboards were carved with pineapples, even) and when it was time to go, the hosts would serve pineapple upside down cake. Easy peasy!

Nowadays, we have to find other ways to tell people to get the heck out, and these 12 people have found ways that work – for them.

#12. Worked like a charm.

“My grandpa used to get up, put on his pyjamas and act surprised that people were still in his living room. Worked like a charm.”

#11. Chatting away…

“Say, “Well, it was great catching up with you.” Stand up, head towards the door. Yawn loudly.

Although one time this didn’t work and I lost it. We had friends come to pick up an item they’d bought. They wouldn’t stop chatting. Oh, the questions about everything. I had an appointment 2hrs drive away and I didn’t want to be late. SO and I finally got them out of the house but they just stood there now talking about different stuff. I’d said I had to leave. Now. That I might be late. I felt panic. “It was great seeing you.” I walked to the car and started getting in. SO was trapped on the doorstep talking to them. I lost it, screaming, “Hurry up (SO’s name), we’re going to be fucking late. Get in the car, now.” I look up to three shocked faces. SO says, “I’m coming. We’re just saying good bye.”

#10. A lack of attention.

“In my third year flat, my flat mate had this constant need for attention. He’d stand in my doorway or sit on my bed for hours chatting, I didn’t mind at first, but it turned into every night of the week without fail and got really, really tedious.

I used to say all sorts like I’m going to chill and watch a film, he’d invite himself to watch it. Got to do my Diss work, he’s bring in his laptop to do this.

In the end the only way to get rid of him was to play warcraft while we chatted he’d have half my attention and eventually give up


So this blew up a lot more than I expected. I just want to make a note, while the guy was insane to live with, he’s still a decent friend and had a few personal issues which might have made this whole thing worse.”

#9. Tummy trouble.

“Stomach problems. Tell a guest that

“as much as I’d love for you to stay, I’m about to have serious gastrointestinal distress and I’d like you not to have to experience it with me!”

That has always worked for me.”

#8. Take a hint.

“Play ‘Closing Time’ over and over again until they get the hint.”

#7. Oh look at the time!

“Start talking about a topic that bores them.

Had that one friend living in the same building and visiting me too often and too long. But she kind of detested video games so whenever I started with “When I was playing Final Fantasy the other day…” she always blocked “Oh, look at the time! I have to go! Bye!” and went home for the day.”

#6. The small mugs.

“English here. I have 2 sets of tea mugs in my house, small and large. If someone turns up and i don’t want them to be there long, i give them the small mugs and hope they leave when they’ve finished.”

#5. Clever Gramps.

“My grandfather would always turn up the thermostat so all of the rooms got unbearably hot/stuffy haha”

#4. Snoozers.

“Fall asleep.. my dad does that! He invites my uncle, and he’ll stay for HOURS, my dad will just fall asleep in the chair until my uncles decides to stop starring at him and finally leave!”

#3. Well, then…

“If you’re British, you wait for any lull in conversation, put your hands on your knees as you stand up and say, “Well then…”

#2. And still he stays.

“Finally, a post where I can tell this story.

My sister comes back from university for the weekend and one her friends gave her a lift home, let’s call him Adam. Bare in mind she arrived home at around 4pm. I get home from school around 5 and Adam is still there after inviting himself in as he wanted a quick rest from the 2 hour drive from Birmingham to London.

Anyway, skip forward a couple of hours. It’s 7pm, he’s still there and keeps saying he needs to leave soon as he is having Friday night dinner at his aunties, whilst my mum is cooking for our Friday night dinner. Finally my dad walks in at 7.30 and is greeted by Adam who he has never met before with his hood up and feet sprawled over the sofa. My bald dad asks why he has his hood up to which he responds wittingly with “I didn’t want to make you jealous of my hair.” Dad’s not happy, but laughs it off.

Eventually, Adam asks if he can stay for dinner, my mother being the typical Jewish mother that she is even though she has only cooked for the four of us can’t say no. Now, we don’t have a traditional Friday night dinner it usually last around 45 mins- 1 hour so think he will leave after. Oh, wrong we were, he’s still here at 11pm and not looking likely to leave any time soon.

Eventually, Adam leaves to use the toilet. At which point my dad comes up with an ingenious solution, someone will phone he mobile and he’ll pick up and pretend to be his brother claiming some emergency and we all have to go to his house. So, Adam comes out of the toilet, I ring my dad’s phone, he has a fake conversation with no one and hangs up. He tells Adam we have to go over to my uncles whilst my dad puts on his coat. Adam accepts this and start to get ready to leave.

10 minutes later, Adam is still there ‘getting ready’. This time my dad say we have to leave now and ushered everyone outside, locks the front door and we head to the car. Adam, gets into his car and just sits there. We wait a couple of minutes expecting him to drive off, but he never does, he just sits there looking at his phone. This is getting ridiculous now, my dad turns on the ignition and drives off. We go around the block and drive back up the road, and he is still there. So my dad parks up in the road next to house and wait 10 minutes to go back when he has finally gone.

We had to run away from our own house to get rid of an unwanted guest, because we are too polite to tell him to fuck off.

TLDR: Sister’s friend outstays his welcome, invites himself to dinner and we have to pretend to have a family emergency in order for him to leave, and he still stays.”

#1. No one wants to be around that.

“My girlfriend and I always act like we’re getting pissed at each other and about to fight. No one wants to be around that.”