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Guy Thinks Everyone Has A ‘Poop Knife’ And Guy Is So Wrong About That

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Leo Tolstoy once wrote, “Happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” But if he were to somehow hear the following story, he might write, “Normal families are alike; every weird family is SUPER FREAKING WEIRD in its own way. Barf emoji. (Also, is that how emojis work? I died in 1910.)”

Disclaimer: yeah, you already clicked on a link that said “Poop knife,” but even so, this story is definitely NOT for the fecally squeamish. Turn back now if you want to avoid emotional scars.

Still with us? I warned you.

This story, like all nightmares, comes from Reddit, specifically the r/confession thread, where the appropriately named LearnedButt posted it with the following title:

Photo Credit: Reddit

You know that feeling you get on the Internet when you see something utterly repulsive but you KNOW you’re still going to click on it? There should be a word for that feeling. Maybe the Germans have one already.

Photo Credit: Reddit

How?! How is this happening to them?! I can understand once in a while, but all the time?! Are they a family of competitive eaters?! Do they have Thanksgiving dinner every day of the year?! And most importantly, when is this family getting their own show on Bravo?

Photo Credit: Reddit

Nope. Not at all. Not even close.

Photo Credit: Reddit

That’s not rust…

Photo Credit: Reddit

“And that’s why I have been banned from every local Walgreens.”

But how did our innocent and naive hero learn the truth about poop knives? The best way to learn anything: with public humiliation!

Photo Credit: Reddit

That part is how you know for sure this story came from Reddit.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Dear Miss Manners: Is it OK to have one poop knife in my household, or should I buy another poop knife for when company is over? Can’t figure out the etiquette on this one.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Crap cutlass? Shit scimitar? Excrement Excalibur?

Photo Credit: Reddit

When your WEED DEALER is judging you…

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So, when’s the divorce?

To wrap up his story, LearnedButt addressed an issue many of us probably had when we heard his story.

Photo Credit: Reddit

You know you’ve made it in the world when you’re a multi-poop-knife household.

But that’s not quite the end of the story, as much as I might wish it were. After LearnedButt posted his tale, a few of his fellow Redditors chimed in to say…THEIR FAMILIES HAD A VERSION OF THE POOP KNIFE, TOO!

Photo Credit: Reddit

Photo Credit: Reddit

Photo Credit: Reddit

But for my money the worst exchange on the whole thread was this one:

Photo Credit: Reddit

I am going to move to the desert and live as a hermit for the rest of my days.

 

h/t: The Chive