Professional athletes are trained to be ready for anything that can happen on the field of play. And now, thanks to an anonymous Buffalo Bills fan, the definition of “anything” includes a dildo being thrown on the field.
This past Sunday, during a match between the Bills and the New England Patriots, which the Bills would go on to lose by a score of 23-3, the fan decided to insert himself or herself into the action and launch a sex toy onto the gridiron at the Bills’ 22 yard line. Another, eagle-eyed fan took a video and uploaded it to Youtube, where it quickly got the attention it deserves.
? DILDO ON THE FIELD IN BUFFALO ALERT? pic.twitter.com/4ZromQJR0W
— Laces Out (@LacesOutShow) December 3, 2017
The dildo lay unnoticed for several minutes, until a referee finally spotted it an alerted stadium officials. Now, if you thought errant dildo disposal was a simple operation, think again. It took a crew of law enforcement officers, security guards, and even some Hazmat people to come up with a plan. And what was the plan? Have the ball boys deal with it.
There is a group of sheriffs, security and Haz Mat gathered near wall behind Patriots sideline after cylindrical object was thrown on field in third quarter. It was kicked off Field and to wall by ball boys. pic.twitter.com/8b4aFVIl6o
— Mike Rodak (@mikerodak) December 3, 2017
You’d think there would be a more firm procedure in place, because this isn’t the time this has happened. When the the Bills hosted the Patriots in 2016, another fan also threw a dildo onto the field.
Photo Credit: Busted Coverage
That dildo was even inscribed a message implying it belonged to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. (Burn!)
Photo Credit: Busted Coverage
And, of course, Brady was asked about it.
“I did see it. Yes I did, I did see it,” Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said. “I thought it was funny the ref didn’t want to pick it up. He was kicking it. Nobody wanted to reach down and grab it. That was very unusual. That was a first. Only in Buffalo.”
Only in Buffalo, indeed. In recent years, Bills’ fans have become more and more rowdy, and they’ve begun referring to themselves affectionately as the “Bills Mafia.” Go to a Bills game on Sunday morning, and chances are you will see many a shirtless Bills fan bodyslamming a table.
Somebody blast “Pomp and Circumstance” because the Macho Man Randy Savage has come back to #BillsMafia oooh yeaaaaa! @FromTheTop pic.twitter.com/0doecztyIi
— Laces Out (@LacesOutShow) December 4, 2017
The best thing about the Bills Mafia is how devoted they are to a team that’s thoroughly mediocre. The franchise has never won a Super Bowl in its 57 year history, but it did lose four consecutive ones from 1989 to 1993. The team last qualified for the playoffs in 1999, which is the longest drought for any team in the big four major American sports leagues. The Bills Mafia are about the furthest thing from bandwagoners that you can get.
But perhaps the one question all of us are asking is, why? Why smuggle a perfectly good sex toy into an NFL game and throw it on the field? Was the fan trying to distract the Patriots, who in the video appear to be close to scoring a touchdown? Was it a statement promoting self-acceptance and sex-positivity? Or is the city of Buffalo trying to be known for something besides chicken wings? Until the dildo chucker comes forward, all we can do is speculate.
If I were the Buffalo Bills management, I’d want to know who’s responsible. Given how badly Bills’ quarterbacks have been, a guy who can hurl a dildo really far might be exactly what this team needs.
h/t: The Huffington Post