When VCRs were first introduced to the market in the 1960’s, they were an expensive status symbol available to few families. But by the middle of the 80’s prices dropped and nearly everyone could afford a home video player. That meant a huge demand for videotapes to watch, and the market quickly tried to meet that need. Thousands of videos were quickly and cheaply produced. Some were great, but many, many more were not.
Thanks to the inexhaustible folks over at The Found Footage Festival, we’ve got a gallery of the worst of 80’s and 90’s home video. We’ve got direct-to-video schlock masterpieces. We’ve got celebrities looking make a quick buck. We’ve got the niche-est of niche videos. We’ve even got a few videos made by a lone weirdo with a camera and a lot to say.
Sure, they may not offer anything of entertainment or educational value, but their covers are a delight. Let’s give these forgotten artifacts a moment in the sun.
1. “Identifying Machine Made Marbles”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been scammed by someone claiming to sell me a handmade marble only for it to be machine-made. Lost multiple friendships over it.
2. “Regis Philbin: My Personal Workout”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
I know when I want workout tips, my first choice is fitness icon Regis Philbin.
Also, I love that Gelman had to be in the video.
3. “Cowboy In Sweden”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Thanks, but I prefer “Viking In Wyoming.”
4. “Mugsy’s Girls: First Mud!”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
At last we get to the true purpose of the VCR. The VCR truly was a life preserver for horny suburban Dads everywhere.
5. “10 Crunchy Carrots”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
It turns out “10 Crunchy Carrots” is a singalong video for kids, and not an ASMR video of a lady eating carrots. Disappointing.
6. “Dare To Bare: Erotic Shaving And Sexual Pleasures”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
“Erotic” shaving? She’s shaving sideways. There’s nothing sexy about razor burn.
7. “The Grabowski Shuffle”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
8. “Gary Coleman: For Safety’s Sake”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Did you think this was a Honey I Shrunk The Kids knockoff where two siblings are terrorized by a gigantic Gary Coleman? Too bad. It’s a safety video. Womp womp.
9. “Carving A Santa Face”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Gene Webb even explains what to do when your carved Santa Face tells you to do things.
10. “Astrology Songs”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
A great home video made by a man who, by the looks of it, makes his home in an abandoned school bus in the woods.
11. “Flirting With Magic”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
When does she get a video that explains how to avoid creeps who hide their harassment behind card tricks?
12. “How To Seduce Women Through Hypnosis”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
There’s a LOT wrong with this video, so I’ll just focus on the obvious: terrible title design. C’mon, brah, at least slap a bevel on there.
13. “It’s OK To Say No To Drugs”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
14. “Balloons For The Restaurant Worker”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
How did Dennis Raglan become America’s #1 strolling balloon artist? Let’s just say a lot of blood was spilled.
15. “America’s Judgments”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
16. “American Bounty Hunter”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
17. “Hammerman”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
18. “Dirty Tennis
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
19. “Escape School: Abduction”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
This video a) was produced by a national chain of funeral homes and b) teaches kids how to spot a potential abductor. Are we all sufficiently confused? My brain now hates me for making it aware this video exists.
20. “Fart: The Movie”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
“The movie they said could never be made!” is another way of saying “We pitched this to every respectable production company in Hollywood, they all said ‘no,’ so we had to get our funding from a Chinese pesticide conglomerate.”
I live in LA. I know how this works.
21. “Adventures In Customer Courtesy”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
You know you work for a great company when your employee training video has a special effects budget.
22. “Barroom Brawling”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Nothing quite says “This video has been banned in 8o countries” like a cover that shows a guy about to stomp another guy in the face.
23. “Bowling For Women Only”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
The “Only” in the title is great. “Hey, men! this video offers you nothing whatsoever! Just stay away from it!”
24. “Caught In The Web: Staying Safe In Cyberspace”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
So, to stay safe in Cyber Space you need: hoverboards and pajamas. Got it.
25. “Catfishin’ With Willie P. Richardson”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
No, it’s doesn’t teach you how to trick other people on the Internet with a secret identity. Willie P. Richardson is a comedian famous for his prank phone call cassette tapes sold in the finest truck stops, as well as for using blackface. And now he’s an expert in cooking catfish.
In other words, he should be receiving his Mark Twain Prize for American Humor any day now.
26. “Beezbo’s Adventures: An Entertaining Guide To Children’s Manners”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Hey kids! Want to learn manners from Z-List ET? Didn’t think so!
27. “Country-Hip Hop Dancing With Diane Horner”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
Because why stop at ruining just one genre of music?
28. “Fast Boats & Beautiful Women”
Photo Credit: Found Footage Fest
A copy of this videotape comes free with every new subscription to Coke Dealer Monthly.