Unless you’ve been living in a cave on a distant planet in the Galactic Confederacy, you’ve heard of Scientology. And if you’re like me, you find the shadowy “religious organization” founded by sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard to be endlessly fascinating. The Xenu stuff, the celebrity stuff, the Sea Org stuff, all of it is perfect fodder for an afternoon on Wikipedia.

But until recently, I didn’t know about this obscure corner of the Scientology universe: the 1994 Scientology Handbook. Partly written by L. Ron himself, the Handbook is sort of a self-help book for Scientologists. Per its Amazon description, the book tackles subjects like:

-Education and how to handle illiteracy

-Relationships and how to maintain a successful marriage

-Solutions to the everyday problems of the workaday world

-Keeping children happy

-Overcoming the effects of drugs

-And more!

And those all sound like reasonable topics for a self-help book! It’s only when the book tries to illustrate its lessons that things get weird. Really weird. The book’s publishers built sound stages and hired actors to act out passages from the book. The result is so stiff and unnatural it’s like they had no idea what they were even posing for.

So clear out some of those bad thetans with this selection of the Scientology Handbook‘s greatest hits.

Note: I will update this post with a link to my GoFundMe page after I’m inevitably sued for writing this.

1. The Piano Player

Wait, was this book written by my father? 

2. Bad Touch

If someone gets pervy, diffuse the situation with your powers of telekinesis.

3. What can we learn from a chandelier?

This technique is known as “hypnotize your daughter to be interested in lighting fixtures.” Are you confused yet? I am. 

4. Art Therapy

“What do you think about my painting?”
“That I’d like to stab it. And possibly you.”

5. Mr. Supportive

What should you do if your wife shows an interest in adult education? Crush her spirit, of course!

6. Dog Lady

So is this lady a hoarder or what? 

7. Brighten Up

All you need to be happy is a positive attitude and massive doses of amphetamines.

8. Not the Painting!

This has to be the most misunderstood come-on of all time.

9. Love Triangle

He wooed her with the sensuous way he talked about trigonometry.

10. The Affair

The whole time Ted was with Mary, all he could think about was being with a clinically depressed woman.

11. Misunderstanding

Look, if two friends wear the same shirt, someone’s gonna get savagely beaten. It’s a fact of life.

12. Missed Connection

OK, THIS is the most misunderstood come-on of all time.

13. The Marine Biologist

So confused. Maybe the purpose of The Scientology Handbook was for people to get so confused while reading it that Scientologists could sneak up and pick their pockets.

14. Literacy

Yep, the only way to help an illiterate person is by shaming them in front of the whole office.

15. Pipe Dreams

There was a carbon monoxide leak in the writer’s house, wasn’t there?

16. Row Row Row Your Boat

Lots of people confuse guitars for oars, but luckily this book clears that up.

17. He Doesn’t Read GQ

Today’s lesson is about “hypocrisy.”

18. His Greatest Fear

Finally, the book covers every man’s greatest fear: his spouse relaxing.

19. Art Gallery

“If you buy two of my paintings, you also get me for free.”

20. Bonk

I think that’s Tom Cruise!

h/t: Dangerous Minds

Follow @itsjimrowley