Is there anything better than married life? Actually…don’t answer that question, okay?
You know where this is headed. The institution of marriage is about to mocked and ridiculed 20 different ways.
1. Face palm
me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
me *finds keys* No
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
2. The peak
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
3. Cleanin’ the weird sh*t
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
4. Yeah, that’s different
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
5. Might need a spreadsheet
Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019
6. Might be over
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019
7. They really should be
WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018
8. That’s real love
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018
9. It was you. Admit it.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad
Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) April 16, 2019
10. Divorce or annulment?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
11. A delicate balance
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) March 12, 2019
12. That’s awkward
Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018
15. She must be very happy
Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?
Me: It’s pronounced quiche.
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 5, 2019
16. A mystery
Day 2,098 of marriage: Husband still doesn’t know where the Tupperware lives.
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) March 2, 2019
17. New life
If you’re one of the eight people in this world that my wife hasn’t told yet, she’s been on the Keto diet for 18 minutes and it’s absolutely amazing.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 20, 2019
18. It can’t be!
ME: I know you're busy so I did the dishes today
HER: Wow, who are you and what have you done with my husband
ME: Ha ha, you caught me… *peeling off face* I am a cyborg from a dying galaxy and–
— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) January 3, 2019
19. In the background
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 7, 2018
Wedded bliss! Right?!?!