Right now, Amazon sells over 480 million products, which means it sells practically everything under the sun. Most of it’s stuff people would actually use, but with so many products, naturally some of them are going to be odd. To put it mildly.

Today we’re taking a look at the items that will never show up on anyone’s Amazon wish list, from erotic fruit sculptures to plush bodily organs to…erotic novels involving the least erotic characters ever. (Really, I could have done this whole article about Amazon erotica but I wanted to be able to sleep again in my lifetime.)

So check out these 18 items I ruined my “recommended items” algorithm to find for you.

1. A placenta cookbook

I’ve always said, my number one objection to cooking placenta is how complex the recipes are.

2. A statue of bananas having sex

Why do I suddenly want to watch Bananas in Pajamas?

3. A replica of one pound of human body fat

Really ties a room together.

4. Wolf boxer-briefs

No, YOU’RE overcompensating!

5. An erotic novel about Clippy, the Microsoft Office paperclip assistant

“It looks like you’re trying to have an orgasm. Would you like help?”

6. Bacon-flavored dental floss

We’ve found the exact opposite of “minty fresh.”

7. Five finger puppets to turn your hand into a centaur

Perfect for fans of Greek mythology, or very specific fetish websites.

8. Human anatomy throw blanket

At least the kids won’t interrupt your nap time now.

9. A pocket-sized suture kit

Do you have one of those friends who’s impossible to buy for, and also is a serial killer?

10. Cat butthole coasters

Um, no thanks. I’ve already trained my real cat to balance drinks on his butt.

11. The “Gotta Go” portable bathroom poncho

What’s great is how discrete this is. Nobody would notice anything off about that woman.

12. “Hands” finger puppets

Gimme 25!

13. “Senior woman using an asthma inhaler” wall decal

“Hey, son. I know you wanted a Tom Brady decal but this is all they had.”

14. A DJ turntable for your cat

Get it??? Your cat likes to SCRATCH things, so why not let her SCRATCH this turntable? Only $24 for this treasure your cat will immediately lose interest in.

15. A six-foot, 147 lb Bigfoot statue

Only cost $2,300–which is a $500 markdown from the list price.

One reviewer said “I named mine ‘Paul,’ after the apostle.”

16. A plush tonsil

This company makes over 30 plush versions of internal organs. But they don’t offer a plush kidney stone. I MISS MINE!!!

17. The Bucket o’ Scat

It’s fun for all kids, particularly those you dislike.

18. A Jesus-themed cheese grater

 

 

Hallelujah!

 

h/t: Buzzfeed

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