Oh, how I love to get on Twitter and scroll through random tweets, trying to find the ones that actually make me laugh.
The good thing about these tweets? They’ve all been chosen because we KNOW they’re funny. There will be no time wasted here, my friends.
1. Has this happened to you?
4yo son barged in as I was exiting the shower, and he stopped and made a sweeping gesture and asked "When did all of this happen to you?"
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2014
2. Me, too
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 23, 2015
3. Two sides of the coin
Big Twitter guys:
– 26 years old
– a solid 7 But weird looking enough to be sexy to some
– good at honing the ironic voice of better men
Big reddit guys
– 40 years old
– marine biology expert
– on a diet that most doctors consider a form of assisted suicide
— Krispy Scream (@mitchysuch) March 27, 2019
4. We’re on the right path
nature docs in 2002: happy dolphins swim playfully, delighted after a good meal
nature docs in 2019: this penguin thinks a garbage bag full of guns is its child
— jaboukie? (@jaboukie) April 9, 2019
Enter Sandman is a song about how getting a good night's sleep kicks ass
— not the amityville michael lutz, unfortunately (@WarrenIsDead) April 5, 2019
6. You messed up this time
hey "nice" manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns around and reveals he is a samurai from the tokugawa shogunate] oh fuck
— Tiocfaidh Ár Dog (@DxGGEAUX) September 2, 2018
7. True to life
Just watched The Joker trailer. I hate origin stories but "Mediocre man wants to be funny" is the realest villain explanation I've heard yet.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 3, 2019
When someone asks you how your depression has been lately. pic.twitter.com/WPyAYefklz
— Billee (@catinhindi) April 1, 2019
9. Look at who you’re talking to
ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: twitter pic.twitter.com/0CZ96tQIQX
— Adam Sternbergh (@sternbergh) April 5, 2019
10. I’d like to do that
DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) March 28, 2019
Roses are red
Miners love coal
Thank god we got cheeks
To protect the butthole
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 2, 2019
12. Truer words have never been spoken
Beds are envelopes that mail you to your nightmares
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 19, 2015
13. Tell no one
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) October 13, 2016
Those are some good’uns!