If you’re in the mood to see gut-busting live comedy, where would you go? Probably a club that features standup. Or a theater that offers sketch or improv shows. Maybe there’s a funny musical or play in town. You probably wouldn’t think of your local courtroom. But maybe you should!
Charles M. Sevillia has been collecting the most ridiculous things uttered in courtrooms around the country since 1999, and compiling them in a book series that began with the classic Disorder in the Court. Below are some of the choicest exchanges uttered in real courtrooms and transcribed by real court reporters. With so much confusion, miscommunication, and outright stupidity, it’s amazing that justice ever gets served.
1. Just making sure.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
2. But what about zombies?
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
3. Always be stylin’, even in a car crash.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
THE ACCUSED, REPRESENTING HIMSELF: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
(He was later found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.)
5. Not the bearded lady.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
6. Maybe it’s a family name?
ATTORNEY: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?
WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.
ATTORNEY: Can you identify the rifle?
WITNESS: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
ATTORNEY: And what did the writing say?
7. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
8. Say My Name
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
9. I think we have our answer.
ATTORNEY: Sir, what is your IQ?
WITNESS: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
10. Satchmo, is that you?
ATTORNEY:Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
ATTORNEY: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
11. Walked into that one.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
12. “Let the record show the witness is a bad lay.”
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
13. Xeno’s Paradox
ATTORNEY: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
14. You won’t find it on a map.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
15. And finally, the showstopper.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
h/t: Bored Panda