15 Essential Pet Products

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to run your pet’s life. Or how to spend your money. If your dog refuses to eat anything except fresh zebra meat flown in daily from Africa, and both of you are happy with the arrangement, that’s awesome.

But there are some pretty crazy pet products out there–or, to put it more accurately, there are some pretty crazy PEOPLE out there, with lots of time on their hands and lots of ideas for pet products on their mind. And if you opt to buy one of these for your pet, people are going to have questions.

Questions like, “If you hate having money so much, why not give it to me?”

1. The Pet High Chair

The fact this comes with two straps to trap your dog inside it really tells you all you need to know.

2. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume

If you ask me, the one word all pet owners want to hear in relation to their dog is “sexy.” Not only does Sexy Beast make your dog smell great, but according to their website, it makes them “soft and sensual” to the touch.

Don’t worry, I’ve already called the police.

3. CATable

The CATable (see what they did there?) is a desk, but unlike regular desks that let your cat walk all over you while you’re trying to work, this one has tunnels for your cat to explore. And the best part is, it only costs $5,000 for your cat to be more interested in the box it came in.

4. Bubbletastic Bacon Bubble Blower

Yes, that’s a machine that blows bacon-flavored bubbles. Dogs already love to chase bubbles, so if you bought this for your pup, it would probably blow her freaking mind.

5. A goldfish walker

You know what, I can’t make fun of this one. It’s not a mass market product, it’s just an invention made by a metal worker in England so he could take his goldfish out for a walk.  His goldfish’s names are Malcolm and Ethel, for Pete’s sake! Making fun of him would be like shooting fish in a metal fish stroller.

6. “Purr Detector” Cat Collar

Finally! A way to detect cat purrs! Until now they’ve been totally inaudible to the human ear.

What would really be useful is a cat lie detector collar. NOW let’s see Whiskers deny crapping behind the couch.

7. Crooning For Cats

For starters, no cat in the world is going to tolerate ear buds. So that’s one problem.

“Crooning for Cats” is a series of songs designed to help cats relax after a long day of napping and attacking strings of yarn. Songs for pets is actually its own genre, which is called “A Total Scam.”

8. The “Bow-Lingual” Dog Bark Translator

The Bow-Lingual can tell you when your dog is sad, happy, frustrated, territorial, assertive, needy, or questioning its owner’s life choices.

9. The Poo Trap

If you’re dog, at some point you gotta wonder if being domesticated is worth it.

10. The Turd Burglar

Great inventions are often the result of a brilliant mind looking at an existing thing and thinking, “I bet I can improve that.” And that’s why we have a piece of plastic that lets you shoot dog crap with a hockey stick.

11. Doggie Bling

Dog rappers have to maintain a certain image or else it’s not going to work.

12. “Rear Gear” Butthole Covers

Now there’s an easy way to let the whole neighborhood know about your weird issues with orifices.

Shockingly, the Rear Gear company appears to have gone out of business.

13. The “Doggone” Dog Thong

Does this mean there’s a dog version of Sisqo, too? I hope so.

14. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy

There’s a sex toy for dogs.

Repeat: there’s a sex toy for dogs.

I don’t know about you, but my brain wasn’t ready to know this exists. It probably never will be.

The best part is, the website says Hot Dolls make great decor even for people who DON’T OWN A DOG. Which is definitely going to make for an interesting dinner party.

“Oh, the Hot Doll? No, I don’t own a dog, I just like to think about dogs having sex. It’s not weird or anything.”

15. Neuticles

No, that’s not some kind of novelty gummy candy. It’s a prosthetic testicle you can surgically implant your dog after you’ve neutered it, to give your dog his confidence back.

But Neuticles isn’t just a great way to get your veterinarian to silently judge you. It’s a lifestyle. Seriously! The website has its own merch page! You can also buy…

Neuticles stress balls:

A book that tells the Neuticles story:

And for that special someone in your life, Neuticles earrings:

It’s good it comes with a certificate of authenticity. There are a lot of counterfeit prosthetic-dog-ball-earrings out there.

The point is, don’t be swindled, people.

 

h/t: 22 Words