Are you married? Are you thinking about getting married?
These tweets might make you want to run for the hills…or think twice about taking the plunge.
I kid, I kid, but these marriage tweets are pretty painful. Painfully funny!
1. That’s a terrible idea.
When you get married, everyone tells you “Don’t go to bed mad” but nobody tells you “don’t start an argument at 10:30 pm”
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) December 2, 2017
2. You’re learning.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not "Was he hot?”
I know this now.
— Marlalala la la la la (@Marlebean) September 7, 2019
3. You just opened up a can of worms.
Me: We need to leave at 5.
Me: We need to leave in an hour.
Me: We need to leave in 30 minutes.
Me: We need to leave in 5 minutes.
Husband: So, I don’t have time to cut the grass?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 9, 2019
4. I need to get back to this…
Probably the worst thing to mention when you are in a fight with your wife is the video game you have paused in the other room.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2019
5. Yeah. Same. Totally…
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 22, 2019
6. Never talk to me again.
[signing divorce papers]
Him: I’m sorry you no longer want to be *Borat voice* MY WIFE
Her: This. This is why.
— Michael Tannenbaum (@iamTannenbaum) September 16, 2019
7. Disaster area.
My husband doesn’t always cook dinner, but when he does he leaves every cupboard open, 800 dishes in the sink, and a layer of crumbs on the kitchen floor an inch thick.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 28, 2019
8. It’s called a “media break.”
My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 11, 2019
9. A real dilemma.
Got in my car this morning & was surprised to find my husband had filled my gas tank & had gotten it washed.
Act of kindness or guilty of something? Marriage is hard.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 16, 2019
10. There’s a spirit in the house.
Wife: Did you watch our show without me?!
Me: No. I can explain.
Me: We have a ghost.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2019
11. I’m in love again.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
— Stacey (@skittle624) January 18, 2018
12. You can stay home from now on.
Losing my wife 3 times in the grocery store and having her paged by customer service each time is why I get to stay home while she shops now
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 11, 2019
13. You may proceed.
*My husband is having a coughing fit*
Me: Please don’t die. I can’t reach the high shelves.
Him: We have steps tools.
Me: Good point. Carry on.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 15, 2019
14. Like ice cubes.
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
15. Can’t wait to do that for 50 years.
Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting ‘what did you say?!’ from another room
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 19, 2019
Hmmmm, doesn’t marriage just look delightful?
Share your favorite stories/anecdotes/jokes about being married in the comments, please!