There might be nothing funnier than people anthropomorphizing their pets on the internet. Giving them inner thoughts and feelings and reactions seem to give us life, and that’s why this AskReddit that asks people to imagine what charges their pet would ring them up for in court hits a pet-lover sweet spot.
“Cheating on her by petting other dogs, coming home with another dog’s smell on my hands.”
#14. I don’t deserve to live.
“Moving my leg while she was on my lap. I don’t deserve to live.”
#13. Passive aggressive.
“I am guilty of passive aggressively telling my cat he has put on considerable weight and needs to shed some pounds. (This may be considered an act of discrimination amongst pets).”
#12. I stand accused of the following crimes.
“I stand accused of the crimes of A) Not giving her the whip cream when she stands at the refrigerator and meows increasingly loudly; B) Sleeping in an extra 10 minutes before I wake up at 6 AM to feed her; C) I do not permit her to attempt the jump from the top of the refrigerator to the cabinets; D) I sometimes accidentally kick her and frighten her with my lumbering dance in an attempt not to stomp on her when she runs between my legs as I make my way to the bathroom in the dark of night.”
#11. Without a license.
“Harvesting his poop without a license.”
#10. Cruel and unusual.
“Cruel and unusual punishment by making her wait for a specific time for food rather than feeding every time she walks near her bowl.”
“Not eating the mice she catches for us. Ungrateful two-legs.”
#8. Turn off the rain.
“Not turning off the rain when he wants to go outside.”
#7. A contract.
“Should you touch the tennis ball when offered, you have entered into a 2-hour contract. Should you cease to throw the ball during this time, Dog can sue.”
#6. Pierce your soul.
“Being pissed by trying to silence their unnecessary Barking, my one dog has a bark that will pierce your fucking soul.”
#5. She wanted forever.
“Allegedly only rubbed the belly for 10 minutes, when she wanted forever.”
#4. They’re not fooled.
“Breaking treats in half and passing them off as whole treats.”
#3. A very noisy wash.
“Stopping him having a very noisy wash while sitting next to me at 3am.”
#2. Fraud, kidnapping, conspiracy…and murder!
“Missy the Elderly Terrier would press charges of fraud, kidnapping, conspiracy, and (gasp!) attempted murder. After a lengthy trial and deliberation, the jury would find me GUILTY of the fraud charge; asking a dog if “You wanna go for a car ride?” and then taking them to the vet is a dick move. I would be found NOT GUILTY of the kidnapping, conspiracy, and attempted murder charges, as my intent was to get medical care for Missy, not to kill her.
Momo the Puppy Mill Rescue Corgi would press charges of negligence, alleging that I have failed to protect her from threats including, but not limited to: Thunder, helicopters, fireworks, sketchy-looking clouds, and the wind. I would be found NOT GUILTY, since my defense attorney can provide evidence of anti-anxiety treats, training, positive reinforcement, and a Thundershirt.”
#1. A litany of complaints.
“We let the bowl get low enough that they can see the bottom. We insist on cutting their nails just when they get them sharp enough. We have Draconian limits on catnip. We pick them up. All doors and cabinets should be open at all times.”