By now, fellow travelers of the internet, it’s very possible that you have seen a little viral video going around that advertises a new product called “Squat Magic.” For those of you who missed it, here’s the gist, or, “just the tip,” as some might put it:
When this video first popped up on my screen, I said, “No.” Then I remembered the remarkable success of 2010’s Shake Weight, and I said, “Ooooooooooooh…ok. Gotcha.” You see, the Shake Weight, more familiarly known as the Hand Job Widget, was designed so that women everywhere could build up their biceps, forearms, and grip strength in order to more effectively perform everyday tasks like carrying boxes, working in the garden, and giving vigorous hand jobs.
The Shake Weight made $40 million in revenue in less than a year, and it looks like the folks at New Image were paying attention. They got in their labs and said, “Okay, guys — sexually graphic exercise equipment is the wave of the future. Let’s get some ideas going. Bill — whatcha got?”
“Can we do something with the mouth?”
“What about like a Human Centipede deal, where, like, you get on all fours and there’s a bar on the front and a bar in the back and you kind of rock back and forth?”
“What muscle does that work?”
“We’ll consider it. Jeremy, how about you?”
“Squats on a giant di*%”
“Good job, Jeremy. I believe we have a winner.”
Let’s take a look at the full three-minute video and see how they’re trying to sell us Squat Magic:
Selling point #1: Apparently, some of us can’t figure out how to squat. “Squats are tough to do, and can be so hard on your knees and joints,” the narrator says over a video of an extremely fit woman in her mid-twenties who can’t figure out how to bend her knees and remain standing at the same time. Poor thing.
Thank goodness, Squat Magic is here to give her “the booty…without the strain and stress.”
Selling Point #2: The secret of Squat Magic is it’s “patent-pending squat assistive technology,” or as my mother would say, “Oh, so the patent is still pending, then? Hm. That must be very disappointing for you.”
What is “squat assistive technology?” It’s a series of words that spell out SAT. But there’s also a “unique tilt feature” which, hand to God, they say help you squat because “the precision-engineered assistive technology literally guides you into the perfect squat form.” Eeeeeeeeeeeeew. Also, they really missed the mark by not going with Precision Engineered Noncaloric Intimacy System.
Selling Point #3: Positions. Look at all the different positions they’d like you to try to do while squatting! You can fold one leg over the other, you can do it while balancing on one leg, you can do it with two girls at once, you can do it with your knees closer together or with your knees spread the-next-thing-you’ll-feel-is-a-small-pinch-from-the-speculum far apart. These are all unrealistic images, but no one is doing more to promote unfair standards for women than the one doing a split over her Squat Magic. Well, except perhaps for the woman at the end of the video who says she wants twelve of them. That helps no one.