Jeans are the perfect pant. They’ve been around since 1871, when they were invented by Jacob W. Davis and Levi Strauss, and they served as a humble, effective work pant for decades. Then in the 1950’s they became popular among America’s youth, and they haven’t looked back. Most people reading this are probably wearing jeans right now. And besides a few minor variations like the cut or the fit, jeans haven’t changed all that much. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
But apparently, certain fashion companies didn’t get the ain’t broke/don’t fix memo, because they just keep screwing with the formula. Every few months, it seems, a designer comes up with some nightmarish “deconstructed” jean, and it’s our obligation to tell you about it.
Now, before we get into today’s clothing crime, a quick introduction to “side-laced jeans.” If you’re not hip with the youth culture like I obviously am, you probably don’t know that jeans with side laces are a new look popular among people who rock skinny jeans. Sure, side-laced jeans are a bit Hot Topic-ey, but they’re still jeans.
But THESE jeans hardly qualify as jeans at all, or even pants. Presenting, Wild Thang Lace Ups:
A philosophical question: when does a jean stop being a jean? I don’t know, but wherever that boundary is, we passed it like 100 miles ago. Wild Thangs are the brainchild of Los Angeles-based clothing company Fashion Nova.
From the front, they look more like a denim loincloth with a bunch of shoelaces tied to it, but the back does offer more coverage:
And what does it cost to guarantee a life of weirdly patterned sunburns and snagging every door handle as you walk by? Just $49.99–but all sizes are currently sold out.
The pants, if you want to call them that, are made from a 74%/24%/2% blend of cotton, polyester, and spandex, and come in sizes ranging from XS to 3X. Of the two reviews posted on the Fashion Nova website so far, both have been positive and both have praised how well the pants fit. “Just received mines today in the mail and I’m usually a M but i bought a L and they fit really good,” wrote one customer. “Same as the photo as always and very comfortable i can’t wait to wear them.”
But the general public was much less impressed. When word of the jeans first got out on social media, people immediately started dragging them.
And if you think it’s silly to get worked up over clothing, take a look at some other jean monstrosities from recent years. Like clear knee jeans:
Or garter strap jeans:
Or, worst of all, faux dirty jeans.
This is the price of not speaking up.