Pop quiz: read the descriptions of the following three products, and tell me which one you think is real.
A) a pair of Truck Nutz, sculpted from the finest Tuscan marble.
B) a $5,000 Vera Wang gown that says “Who Farted?” across on the front.
C) a pair of Crocs, with high elegant heels.
Now, none of these SHOULD exist, but the answer, sadly, is C.
So let’s get this over with.
High-heel Crocs are officially known as “Cyprus Heel” Crocs because of their use of the Cyprus V heel. They come in three different colors and they retail on Amazon for between $80 and $100. According to the product description, the high heel adds a “trendy touch” your Crocs, and they have an open-toe design for breathability.
I have so many questions. I thought the whole point of Crocs was that they ALREADY offered breathability because of all the holes. Would high-heeled Crocs with an open-toe design really still be considered Crocs? Or are they just high-heeled sandals?
Also, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I trying to parse the philosophical differences between the world’s dumbest footwear? How did my life end up this way? Is it safe to chug an entire handle of Jimador, and if not, do I even care?
The customer reviews are astonishingly positive. “I loved the shoe so much that I wanted to purchase another one, but unfortunately they had sold out,” wrote one.
“Great to have a Croc with a heel able to walk in and wear for a length of time,” another wrote–which we know is a lie, because if you owned a pair, there’s no way you would ever go out in public.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Cyprus Heel Crocs are great, but is there a similar version that I can pay ten times as much for?” Well friends, Balenciaga has your back. Balenciaga, if you’re not aware, is a Spanish fashion brand that’s basically just trolling everyone at this point, and the latest evidence is this monstrosity:
That’s right: PLATFORM Crocs.
Balenciaga’s pink “Croslite” clogs, (not official Crocs), offer a 5 inch platform, thickened soles for maximum shock absorption, and a collection of “accent pins.” And one pair will only cost you $850. And for an additional $850, the folks at Balenciaga will burn your house down.
On social media, people pretty much universally condemned the high-heel Croc.
Others were more baffled than angry.
A few folks DID find them intriguing, and then were forced to confront such an upsetting thought.
If one of your loved ones has decided to buy a pair of high-heeled Crocs, you can join our support group right here.