It’s not every day that ranch dressing challenges everything you think you know about the world, but Hidden Valley has done just that–by releasing a whole line of ranch-dressing themed merchandise.
Now, if you’re like me, your first thought was, “This has to be a joke, right? Nobody that I know is an actual diehard of…ranch dressing. These gifts are meant to be ironic. There’s certainly no need for me to revise my perception of reality!” Companies do release joke products sometimes, like KFC’s fried chicken-flavored nail polish.
But this time, it’s not a joke. Or, if it is, it’s a joke that will make Hidden Valley a lot of money. Earlier this year, Hidden Valley debuted a “ranch fountain,” (think a chocolate fondue fountain, but for ranch), and whether they meant it as a joke or not, their online store quickly sold out. The public has spoken, and the public apparently wants lots and lots of ranch swag.
So let’s all take a look at new ranch-themed merch for ranch freaks everywhere.
1. A holiday skirt for your ranch fountain.
You’ve already bought your ranch fountain, and it’s already been the hit of one of your parties this year. You can’t just put it out AGAIN for your holiday party. That would be gauche, your party would be a failure, and you would deservedly lose all your friends. This skirt will prevent all of that.
2. The Ranch Keg
Five liters of thick, creamy ranch dressing for only $50? Sign me up! Try donating one to some local college students. Not only will you prevent underage drinking, you might even get a cool nickname like “Ranch Santa.”
3. Ranch slippers
Slip on these babies when you head to the kitchen for a late night snack. (Which in your case is a long pull straight from a bottle of ranch.)
4. Bedazzled Ranch Christmas ornament
Ho-ho-ho! Hang this sweet ornament on your Ranch-mas tree to help you celebrate when the Three Wise Men brought the baby Jesus gifts of Classic Ranch, Cheddar and Bacon Ranch, and spicy Sriracha Ranch.There was no room in the inn OR their stomachs that night!
5. Ranch socks
Why is that message printed on the bottom of a pair of socks? Because that’s the last thing every jerk will see right before you kick them in the face for failing to provide ranch.
6. Ranch ugly Christmas sweater
Wear this to an ugly Christmas sweater party, where you will come in last place because there is no universe where someone would think ranch is ugly.
7. Ranch onesie
Hidden Valley may not be legally allowed to recommend their zesty ranch as a healthy alternative to breast milk, so I guess I’ll have to do it for them!
8. Ranch koozie
What’s worse than warm ranch? Having a restraining order that bars you from approaching Hidden Valley corporate headquarters, any Hidden Valley bottling facility, or the Hidden Valley CEO’s private residence. Not that I would know anything about that.
9. Ranch hat
Something else I learned: if your son hits a home run in little league, and you celebrate by dousing his entire team with a cooler full of ranch, you’ll get banned from all team activities. Even if this situation is found NOWHERE in the league’s rulebook.
10. Ranch t-shirt
Wait, people put ranch on their fries? Gross.