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29 Doctors with Incredibly Dumb Patients

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People can be really dumb. Especially when it comes to the medical profession and thinking we know everything without a degree.

Take a look at these 29 AskReddit users’ stories of oblivious patients. No, our limbs do not grow back, and no, you should not continue to wear that contact lens you washed in toilet water. Enjoy.

1. One time use

A patient came in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to stress the fact that she only ever had one partner.

“And even if my boyfriend is sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter,” said the patient. “My boyfriend uses a condom every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.”

The ER nurse asked the patient what she meant when she said her boyfriend “washes it every time”. The patient explained that her boyfriend washed the same old condom with hot water and soap before he used it. Every time.

I had to kindly explain to a grown woman that condoms are a one-time use product. She had no clue.

2. Out of my way!

Got placed doing a rotation in the orthopedic floor of a big hospital in a rural area of Southern California. I was doing my rounds and saw a patient out of bed and walking around the floor following a knee replacement. She had a cane in her hand that she was carrying like as a solider would carry a rifle. I asked what she was doing and what she thought the cane was for. She replied she thought the cane was for pushing people out of her way since she’s now “handicapped” and it wasn’t to help her walk on her post op knee.

3. Not the intended user

A young couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on the pill.

However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because “she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills…”

4. I don’t think that is how that works

I was living in China and taught English on the side to a student whose mother was a physician. This was in 2012 just prior to the London Olympics, the mother wanted to send her daughter to London with a school group to watch the Olympics but has reservations about it. I asked why, she said she was worried that her daughter would catch AIDS from using the public toilets. Yes, a doctor.

5. Did you ever use a mirror?

My friend is a student doctor and is on placement at a small town doctor’s office. She had a 70-ish year old woman come in with complaints of a small but painless growth that was visible at the back of her throat.

Turns out it took her 70 years to notice her uvula.

6. Dear God.

These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can’t eat bread or anything?

Man 1: We only give her white bread.

Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.

Man 1: Yeah, I guess.

Man 2: So can she eat pizza?

Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

7. SMH indeed

A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. Son was about 15 years old and didn’t really care about the acne but mom did. After going over treatment options she asked if he just needed to “do it” to get rid of the acne. A grown woman with a child thought that by him having sex his acne would magically go away…shake my head.

8. Also not how that works

A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb.

The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay because the foot will grow back.”

The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander and that limbs do not grow back in humans.

9. I assure you doctor, its not

That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.

10. Just nipples.

More than one patient has come into my vet’s office complaining about their dog’s chest.

One man thought his male dog’s nipples were giant blood-sucking ticks. He actually tried poking at them and lightly pulling on them, complaining that “they are impossible to remove…”

A woman also came in complaining that her dog had “huge tumors” growing on its chest. Nope. Again, just nipples.