I head-butted a nurse after a surgery once.
11. A Dreamworks Production
My boyfriend, as he was being wheeled into recovery, yelled to me “Honey! You can call me Shrek from now on!”
He has no idea why he wanted me to call him Shrek.
I had to have surgery a few months later, and when I had woken up, I called my boyfriend on the hospital phone and told him he could call me Fiona from now on.
12. Hard drive
After I got my teeth removed and woke up I had an UNCONTROLLABLE urge to drive (I had recently got my permit). I was like “let me drive I want to go!” My mom had to physically restrain me by putting her forearm against my throat against a wall. The nurse also had to help restrain me. I cooled down after like 5 mins of this.
Not a doctor, but a roller derby girl who witnessed teammate break their leg. When the paramedics gave her the whistle of pain relief, she went from screaming in pain to saying “I hope that cute paramedic has to cut off my pants cause he might like what he sees.” Made more hilarious by the fact she is married.
When I woke up after my appendectomy, my mom says that I couldn’t stop talking about how I no longer was wearing underwear. I then proceeded to tell every person who came to see me in the hospital that I was not wearing underwear for the next 8 hours.
15. Dog Teeth
I had jaw surgery last year and started to get really scared as I sat in my hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery. My mom was with me and I told her how much I wished my dog was there because snuggling her always makes me feel better. I guess having my dog on my mind turned into some weird thoughts once they gave me drugs because apparently I started crying out of the fear that they were going to give me dog teeth.
16. Communists, bad Pepsi, and chicken nugget soup
I recently got surgery on my foot and while I was still high my mother recorded me saying things like:
– “Where’s my foot? Mom, the communist took my foot! WHERE’S MY FOOT, ALL I HAVE IS A SNUB! THOSE COMMUNISTS TOOK MY FOOT AND LEFT ME WITH A SNUB”
– I got pissed because they didn’t have coke but dad Pepsi, “Pepsi? Who the hell drinks Pepsi? Screw Pepsi.”
– Called the nurse Samantha (her name was Brittney)
– Yelled at nobody named Susan
– Claimed to have 9 children. Apollo and Dante being my favorite two, and Susan being my least favorite child who I have locked in the basemen (we don’t have a basement).
– Cried because I had to pee and sang a parody version of “Set Me Free” from the tv show The Get Down called “Let Me Pee”
– Cried because “I wanted chicken nuggets”. When asked how I was going to eat them because I was high I said something about ripping them up into pieces and putting them in a bowl of honey mustard then I’d eat it like soup.
17. Important things
We had the same family doctor for over 45 years. He actually delivered me, some sixty-odd years ago.
When I was a middle-aged man myself, during my very last checkup with him before he was to retire, he took a few minutes with me to reminisce about family stuff, and he informed me that I had actually been one of his very first solo deliveries as an attending.
He also reminded me that I had been a somewhat tricky delivery: that I was a week overdue, that my mom had already been in labour for over 24 hours, that I was her first, that I was a pretty large baby – 9.5 lbs. – and that she was a very tiny woman. He told me he had been about to suggest to her that a Caesarian might be in order, when I suddenly decided it was time to make my move.
Mom had had a funny reaction to her epidural, and between that and exhaustion from her lengthy labour, she was actually fading in and out of lucidity during my delivery, which took a while. In addition to all the other complications, early in the process he had also needed to digitally coax me into the perfect position to make my grand entrance. Lucid or not, Mom certainly remembered that part of the procedure.
Because just after he’d cut my cord, and before she had fully come round again, my mother – normally a very gentle, undemonstrative and soft-spoken woman – had suddenly grabbed him by his upper arm in a grip of steel, lifted herself half off the bed, looked him square in the eye from about six inches away, and yelled, “DID YOU AT LEAST TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF BEFORE YOU WALKED IN?” Then her eyes had rolled back in their sockets, and she’d flopped back onto the delivery table – out like a light.