If you’ve ever been around children for any length of time, you know that they can drop truth bombs in your lap that will decimate your ego in a white hot flash of for reals.
Get ready for some sick burns. Because these folks weren’t prepared.
21. What do you know son?
Last Thursday, after I had a particularly stressful day at work, my 7-year-old said,
“The only job that matters to me is being my dad and you’re awesome at it. And if mommy leaves you for another dad, I will always tell the new dad that my old dad was my favorite dad.”
“Thanks. I love you. Where’s your mom?”
Me: Tell me a joke.
My 4 year old: You’re a joke.
I had been reading a thread where everyone was sharing jokes they’ve been told by kids, and I was curious what my son would come up with. I expected something hilariously random. I got emotionally wrecked instead.
19. Fishing for a compliment?
At the aquarium…
“Wow daddy, that fish is even uglier than you.”
18. Yes I am.
“Sorry, I’m not feeling great today”
“Ugh, you’re only sad because your girlfriend broke up with you!”
Thanks kid, you really helped me figure that one out.
17. Nephew probs
My nephew told me my breath smelled bad. I told him I was sure it did smell bad, since I hadn’t eaten all day, but that he should avoid saying mean things even if they were true.
A different nephew once asked my cousin “Are you Jane? Or are you Anne?” She said “I’m Jane. Anne is my sister.”
The nephew responds “Oh, right. I remember. Anne is the one who’s pretty.”
16. Can you please clarify that?
While we were in a car, and I was enjoying music.
“What’s your favorite band?”
I tell her.
“Can we listen to the exact opposite of that? Because I HATE EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!”
Ripped my soul in half.
Was my ex gf’s 10 year old daughter.
15. Pretty brutal
Was waiting for my daughter to get her coat and boots on at daycare and another little girl walked up to me. She was probably about six.
She told me her parents got a divorce so she was just like my daughter now. I nodded at her and then I got this gem.
“I get to go one week with my mommy and one week with my daddy. Today I go with my daddy. He has a new girlfriend and shes WAY WAY WAY more pretty than my mom. I wish my mom was as pretty as my daddy’s girlfriend.”
I just cringed.
“Daddy, do you think if you drank less you wouldn’t have all those marks on your face?”
For Christ’s sake. This was from my two year old daughter just a few days ago.
For the record, I’ve been sober for about a month and am heavily scarred, including on my face.
13. Backhanded compliments
A couple weeks ago my fiance and I got into an argument and my 9 year old step daughter told me, “You aren’t the best boyfriend, but you are a really good dad.”
Simultaneously made me really proud and feel really shitty.
12. He’s probably right
This wasn’t said to me but when we were in a waiting room, my young brother who was approximately 6, said to an elderly woman, “You’re gonna die sooner.”
11. Monkey see, monkey do
I’ve been a bit short tempered lately (stress from work, expenses etc), but I thought I was keeping it under control.
Today, while they were goofing around, my wife asked our 3 yr old son ‘Is dada a cheeky monkey?’ He said ‘No, dada angry monkey.’
It’s been a few hours since this happened, but I’m still feeling a mix of surprised, ashamed and sad.
10. Hang ups
I called up my daughter and the grandson came running to the phone, “Is that Am’ma?”.
Phone is handed over.
“Hey, Am’ma, can you come over to my house right now?”
“No, honey, I have class tonight, then work tomorrow.”
Hears phone moving.
“Just hang up on her” as he hands the phone back to his mom.
9. To the gym!
My 4 yo said to my wife who was pregnant at the time and hormones were all jacked up, “mommy why is your lip fuzzy.”
I never saw her leave that quickly for the salon.
She also said to me. “Daddy I like cuddling with you because you are soft and squishy like a bear.”
To the gym I go!!
8. Purple headed monster
My dad is a hardass lawyer that always thinks he’s right.
He dyed his hair for a long time and it always kind of looked purple in the sun. I told him a million times that it looked purple and he never believed me.
One day at said tennis courts a little five year old walks up to him and asks “why is your hair purple?”. He dyed it a different color the next day.
We still laugh about it.
7. Shots fired!!
It wasn’t to me but my Niece delivered 8000 pounds of truth on my (half) sister at around 9-10 years old.
For a long time my (half) sister stayed away from our family. She went cold turkey and didn’t talk to us for a number of years for some reason that I don’t care to know.
Regardless, the first time she visited to see ANYONE related to her in years my Niece didn’t want to leave. To which she said to her daughter “Dont worry, we’ll come back.”
My Niece in her most defiant of moments retorted “When? In another 5 Years?”
Yes this is 232, dispatch we have shots fired, I repeat SHOTS FIRED!
Just a heads up to parents: Just because your kid is young doesn’t mean they don’t understand what’s going on around them and they will call you out at times if they know its wrong.
6. Very nice
I went to China to teach at an English summer camp. It was a month long experience, and during that time the children all got to pick American names. These ranged from Tommy to Robot.
One day the kids thought it would be fun to give me a Chinese name. The host teacher mentioned that my real name is very close to the Chinese word for beautiful, so I should take that as my name.
The kids all paused for a minute thinking about it, before one popped up and said, “Not so much beautiful, but still very nice.”
I was sick and on a video call with my cousin. I asked her if she wanted me to take the phone to my mom, the following convo took place:
C: “You can’t take the phone to auntie!!”
YTB: “You don’t want to talk to her?”
C: “You’re sick, you’ll get auntie sick too!”
YTB: “Aww, that’s so sweet… Wait, don’t you care if I’m sick?”
C: “Auntie can drive and buy me candy! You can’t, so I don’t care”
YTB, trying to be dramatic: “What if I get too sick and died?”
C, stone-cold expression: “Don’t care”
Gee, love you too kid.
4. Heart of ice
“I don’t like you……….like reallllllly don’t like you” – said with a intensifying stare and the head of a Frozen figurine being slowly twisted off.
Awaiting the head of said Frozen figurine to be left in my bed any day now.
3. Kid, talk to your parents.
“Are you having a baby or just fat?”
2. Motivational kid speaker
I was sitting in my room and my 7-year-old cousin comes up to me and says, “Don’t you leave your room? Don’t you do anything fun besides sitting on your computer?”
I said “Yes I do,” and tried to make something up.
He said, “It doesn’t look like it, last time I saw you, you were doing the same thing.”
I was stunned and it hurt me inside because truth be told, I don’t have any hobbies besides watching youtube or surfing reddit and barely leave my room let alone my house.
That kid made me contemplate on life.
1. Round and orange
I was handing out candy for Halloween. I don’t like to dress up, but the baby was Pebbles so FINE, I can rock a Fred Flintstone t-shirt while handing out candy. Whatever. It made for a cute photo.
A little girl comes to the door and says how cute the baby is.
“And what are you, a pumpkin!?”
“Haha…no..I’m..Fred…Yeah I’m a pumpkin.”