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20 Bizarre Images from the 1994 Scientology Handbook

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Unless you’ve been living in a cave on a distant planet in the Galactic Confederacy, you’ve heard of Scientology. And if you’re like me, you find the shadowy “religious organization” founded by sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard to be endlessly fascinating. The Xenu stuff, the celebrity stuff, the Sea Org stuff, all of it is perfect fodder for an afternoon on Wikipedia.

But until recently, I didn’t know about this obscure corner of the Scientology universe: the 1994 Scientology Handbook. Partly written by L. Ron himself, the Handbook is sort of a self-help book for Scientologists. Per its Amazon description, the book tackles subjects like:

-Education and how to handle illiteracy

-Relationships and how to maintain a successful marriage

-Solutions to the everyday problems of the workaday world

-Keeping children happy

-Overcoming the effects of drugs

-And more!

And those all sound like reasonable topics for a self-help book! It’s only when the book tries to illustrate its lessons that things get weird. Really weird. The book’s publishers built sound stages and hired actors to act out passages from the book. The result is so stiff and unnatural it’s like they had no idea what they were even posing for.

So clear out some of those bad thetans with this selection of the Scientology Handbook‘s greatest hits.

Note: I will update this post with a link to my GoFundMe page after I’m inevitably sued for writing this.

1. The Piano Player

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

What should you do when your daughter shows interest in a hobby? Crush her spirit, of course!

2. Bad Touch

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

If someone gets pervy, diffuse the situation with your powers of telekinesis.

3. What can we learn from a chandelier?

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

A lot, apparently.

4. Art Therapy

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

“What do you think about my painting?”
“That I’d like to stab it. And possibly you.”

5. Mr. Supportive

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

What should you do if your wife shows an interest in adult education? Crush her spirit, of course!

6. Dog Lady

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

If you go through this many plush dogs in a week, you might have a problem.

7. Brighten Up

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

All you need to be happy is a positive attitude and massive doses of amphetamines.

8. Not the Painting!

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

This has to be the most misunderstood come-on of all time.

9. Love Triangle

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

He wooed her with the sensuous way he talked about trigonometry.

10. The Affair

Photo Credit: Dangerous Minds

The whole time Ted was with Mary, all he could think about was being with a clinically depressed woman.