If you’re a parent, you really have two jobs. One job is keeping your child healthy, safe, and happy. The other job is to endure an endless series of embarrassing moments. Children are still learning how the world works, and they’re still developing important life skills self-editing. Unfortunately, they learn how to talk much earlier than they learn how to filter what they say. And that’s why kids are notorious for sharing their parents’ most sensitive and embarrassing moments.
If you swear at someone in traffic, your kid’s going to repeat it. If you badmouth a neighbor behind closed doors, your kid’s going to relay it to that neighbor the next time you see them. If your kid walks in on you and your partner mid coitus, they’ll happily tell the whole world about it, and probably mimic the sights and sounds. Such is life.
Every parent has several stories about this, so when a Redditor posted a thread asking parents to share their funniest embarrassing moments, people had a lot to say. Scroll down and enjoy!
1. Here comes a cringe!
“‘You’re a funny little man, but I like your hat.’
My 4-year-old said that to a little person in the airport who was wearing a cowboy hat. I practically wanted to keep walking and leave him there, then I heard the man respond, ‘Thank you. And you’re a funny little man too!’ He was great about it, and several of us ended up smiling instead of being mortified.”
2. Let’s just say this kid is a “free spirit.”
“My daughter decided to strip completely naked, nappy and all in the shop when I had my back turned for about 5 seconds. I only became aware when a lovely lady tapped me on my shoulder and whispered into my ear ‘Excuse me love, your child is dancing naked beside the potatoes.’ I did try to hide my laugh!”
3. Hopefully everyone kept their job.
“When I was 5 or 6, we were at my dad’s company picnic. I was introduced to his boss and I told him, ‘My daddy says you’re a son of a bitch.’ My dad’s coworkers fed me ice cream all afternoon.”
4. Kind of embarrassing…kind of a compliment.
“I was waiting in A&E with my 3 year old son after he swallowed a thumb tack. I needed to pee and had to take him with me into the small toilet beside the waiting room. I’m mid-stream and he shouts out in his best voice. ‘Dad, your willy is SOOOOOO big.’ Everyone in the packed waiting room heard him and the rest of the wait was pretty awkward. I nearly died of embarrassment.”
5. No really, Don, I need your input.
“When I was about 4, I must have had some kind of infection or itch down there, and one morning at breakfast my dad’s coworker came in to pick my dad up for work. I said, ‘Hi, Don, my vagina hurts!’ and he politely ignored me, but I kept saying it over and over and over. ‘Don, can you hear me? My vagina hurts!’ Guess I just wanted some acknowledgement, but my parents just wanted to die. The poor guy was doing his best to pay no attention to me, but I was making it pretty difficult.”
6. Name changer.
“When my sister was pregnant with my nephew, my sister kept the baby’s name a secret from my then four-year-old niece. While babysitting my niece, I convinced her that her parents were planning to name the new baby Homeslice. She announced her new brother’s name to everyone in her daycare, random strangers at the grocery store, or anyone else who would listen. My sister still hasn’t forgiven me for that one.”
7. King Tut is packing!
“I’m not a parent, but my brother is fifteen years younger than me so people in public typically think he’s mine. We went to the museum when he was about four and they had an exhibit about mummies. He was a little rowdy but nothing too bad, and at one point he asked for me to pick him up so he could see one of the mummies through the crowd. The tour guide was giving us all of this historical context on this ornate mummy covered in gold and jewels and everyone was quietly taking it in and asking very intellectual questions when my little brother shouts as loud as he can, ‘Look, he doesn’t have underwear on! You can see his peepee!’
You could in fact see the mummy’s penis, so he wasn’t wrong.”
8. Only a three-year-old can get away with this.
“We taught our kids the proper names for male and female genitalia from a young age. When my middle son was around three, he would constantly point at different people and say ‘penis’ if it was a guy and ‘vagina’ if it was a girl. We tried to get him to stop saying the words in public, but eventually figured it would make more sense to not make a big deal out of it and wait for him to get tired of it and stop.
We were at the mall one day and the cashier was ambiguous looking. I myself wasn’t entirely sure of their gender until I saw her name tag. My son looks at her and says, ‘Penis or Vagina? Which one?’ Surprisingly she didn’t seem offended and said, ‘I’m a girl,’ to which my son responded, ‘Oh, vagina.'”
He also refers to a vulva as a Volvo.
9. Time to switch churches. And maybe move.
10. Get ready for a visit from Child Protective Services.
“I was 3, we were in a hotel. Some people just got up from their table and left some bread in the basket. Now, parents always bought rye bread or some other dark bread, but I loved the taste of oversweetened artificial white store-bought bread.
So I started eating leftover white bread like I didn’t eat for a week. Waitress came to take the basket and apparently I started crying and saying: ‘Pleeease let me eat it, my parents NEVER give me white bread!’
She looked at my parents in disapproval and proceeded to bring me a full basket of fresh white bread and a giant ice cream cup.”
11. Next stop, Weight Watchers.
“Was riding on a public bus and my 5-year-old put her hand on a guy’s shoulder in the seat front of us and said, ‘This man is very fat.'”
12. She’s clearly going to grow up to be a magician.
“My daughter is 8 now, but when she was 2, I taught her to say behold instead of look. We’d be at the store or something and she’d go to point out whatever damn thing she saw, ‘Daddy, behold!'”
13. Bunk bed confusion.
“Me, at 4 y/o, a very (read: non-stop) chatty child. In a crowded shop, clear as a bell, chirpy as a bird:
‘My daddy slept on top of my mummy last night!’
Bunk beds, we had just arrived on holiday on an overnight ferry, and my parents slept in bunk beds, with my dad in the top one. They’ve never let me forget it, though I suspect it’s coz they never will either…”
14. Fart Judas!
“Not me, but my brother when he was young (I think like 3).
My dad took him shopping and had him sitting in the front of the cart. Little brother very loudly yells ‘DADDY YOU FART. YOU FARTED DADDY.’
Dad tries to quietly explain to him that he didn’t fart and that he shouldn’t yell that. Brother continues to yell ‘YEAH YOU DID DADDY. YOU FARTED.’
Dad gives up trying to reason with him and instead squeezes his hand just the littlest bit. As a signal to say that it’s time to stop now.
Brother stops yelling about the farts and instead yells ‘OW DADDY STOP SQUEEZING THAT HURTS OW!’
Awkward glares all around.”
15. This one’s just embarrassing, period.
“In the toilets at a local supermarket. Mother Nature was paying her visit. My 4-year-old son came in the toilet with me … Went running out of the toilet to announce to his grandma, and the rest of the supermarket, that ‘My mummy has a piece of string hanging out of her bum.'”