There’s something about fashion trends that makes me suspicious. I’m pretty sure these things become popular solely because a “cool” celebrity wore it–and definitely NOT because of the inherent value of the clothes themselves. Because how else can you explain why people dressed the way people dressed in the 80’s?
People of the 1980’s, it’s time to face your crimes against fashion! And “We were just following Rob Lowe!” is no excuse!
Spandex should only be worn by superheroes. The rest of us look like brightly colored sausage.
2. The Mullet
The thing about mullets is, they severely restrict your life choices. If you have a mullet, there are really only two careers available to you: hockey player or fireworks salesman.
I’m just saying, there’s a reason you don’t see too many mullets on surgeons.
3. Leg Warmers
I had to actually look up why people started wearing leg warmers, (No, I didn’t just go on Wikipedia! You can’t prove anything!), and they started with dancers and ballerinas who needed to keep their legs from cramping. And then everyone started wearing them, for fun.
Which, if you think about it, is how a lot of fashion trends start, by athletes wearing them first. Sweatbands, Jordans, baseball caps. Why haven’t horse jockeys gotten a turn? Someone should start that trend!
4. Neon Everything
Neon clothes seem like they came about because someone dared someone else to invent clothing that clashes with every possible skin tone in the world. At least you’re always visible at night?
5. Shoulder Pads
Shoulder pads were a form of “power dressing,” where you would put them on to feel more powerful. The other 80’s fad that accomplished this? Cocaine.
6. Giant Perms
As someone who’s spent about approximately 15 minutes total in my life on hair styling, I just can’t fathom doing this. This was a look for women AND men, so if I had been around in the 80’s, I would have become a desert hermit.
7. Acid-Washed Jeans
These are often lumped in with pre-torn jeans, because acid-washed jeans just look like you accidentally did the laundry with bleach instead of fabric softener. And you might think this sort of thing is dead, but no.
8. Side Ponytails
I had a babysitter who wore her hair like this, and I got her fired. And I don’t regret it, either.
9. Fanny Packs
Look, maybe you think fanny packs are dorky. Or, maybe you are a former chess tournament kid who carried his chess pieces in a fanny pack.
No, I’m not talking about me. HOW DARE YOU!
Let’s just move on to the next one.
10. Iron-On Patches
If you want to live a happy, self-actualized life, a good rule to follow is “Do the opposite of whatever Vanilla Ice does.”