The number one most embarrassing situation for everyone: the need arises, and there’s no bathroom in sight. What do you do? Sometimes you just deal with it until you reach a proper receptacle, but other times…well. Just take a look at how these AskReddit users dealt with their emergencies:
1. On the Bus
I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.
To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shits.
About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.
As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.
Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.
HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.
Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.
3. School Dance
In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me.
I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.
4. Airplane Nightmare
This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.
I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. [Get] to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate.i duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.
I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my eyes out.
The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.
I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.