The number one most embarrassing situation for everyone: the need arises, and there’s no bathroom in sight. What do you do? Sometimes you just deal with it until you reach a proper receptacle, but other times…well. Just take a look at how these AskReddit users dealt with their emergencies:
1. On the Bus
I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.
To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shits.
About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.
As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.
Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.
HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.
Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.
3. School Dance
In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me.
I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.
4. Airplane Nightmare
This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.
I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. [Get] to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate.i duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.
I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my eyes out.
The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.
I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.
5. Church Parking Lot
I was at my friends place hanging out all night when I was 17, we were just playing video games and eating junk food all night. I was half way home when I felt that unmistakable rumble in my stomach and knew that something was coming down the pipe. I had to act quick as to not shit my car so I pulled into a church parking lot and made it no more than 3 steps before I had to pull down my pants and shit in the parking lot. used my underwear to wipe and left the whole mess right there. It was a Saturday and i may have ruined mass for several people.
6. Beach Party
I backpacked through western Europe with some friends when I was 18. The night we arrived in Barcelona a large festival of some type was being held on the beach. I never learned the nature of the festival, but I did jump over a bonfire, kiss a pretty girl, and shame myself in a portable toilet.
The need to defecate was not in itself particularly noteworthy. I knew diarrhea was imminent, but I probably could have held it for another few minutes. The only toilet in sight was a plastic portable set up on the sand among the festival tents and beach fires. I have been in portable toilets of worse condition, so I won’t overemphasize the nastiness. But it was in my top five. I bit the bullet and placed my ass on the plastic seat.
Imagine taking a bite-size cube of chocolate fudge and squeezing it between your butt cheeks until it melted. I’m pretty sure that’s what my anus looked like after expelling a day’s worth of train and food cart waste. The desire to wipe was great. The usual suspects of improvisation, socks and underwear, were not part of the night’s attire, and I valued my shirt. But among the vomit, tampons, and other assorted garbage on the portable toilet floor, I spotted a seemingly clean and freshly deposited cardboard toilet paper roll. Thinking it might suffice to at least reduce the quantity of shit caked to my ass, I gingerly picked it up. Upon inspection, however, I immediately realized I was not the first person that night to have had this thought. Having added a stranger’s shit to my body I decided to cut my losses.
I eventually cleaned myself in the ocean (I know, that should have been the obvious choice initially. What can I say? I was drunk), but not before wearing my shorts long enough to develop a great concern I might have a poo seepage spot on my rear end. If I did, the pretty girl did not mention it. Though in retrospect we did not share a language, and that might be a difficult thing to pantomime.
7. Janitor for the save!!
It was the summer after my freshman year at college (so 3 years ago), and I was in the Bahamas. My cousin and I were swimming in the ocean, and he wanted to go back into the hotel room, so he left. So there I am, swimming alone, when i get the urge the poop. Now I thought it was one of those “I can forcefully hold this in the water, it’ll go away, and then I can go when I get back into my room.” Well I was wrong.
Five minutes go by and then I start walking up the beach because it seems like i’m holding in the worst shit of my life. I reach the sidewalk and I start sprinting up and down, trying to find one of those help desk things, I finally do and ask the lady where the nearest bathroom is. It was about 30 feet away and I thought I was in the clear.
Well I get into the bathroom, run into a stall and then I notice my bathing suit was tied… So as I’m untying my bathing suit I just start shitting….and as I finally sit down I notice it was all over my thigh, on the floor, and on the toilet seat (behind me). Then to top it all off, there’s no toilet paper.
I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says “I think you’ll need this.”
8. Eurotrip Urinal
Around Feb of 2008 myself and a few friends went to Amsterdam for a bit of a lads holiday. Plenty of beers, plenty of trees and plenty of the female form. Albeit, we only got 2 of those things done, but still. We went to a small bar not far from the centre of Amsterdam, and preceded to drink HEAVILY. I announce to the rest of our little group that I am going to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range, and head into the bogs.
In this toilet there was 2 urinals, and one cubicle, which took up about 75% of the space in there, not counting the sink. Somehow in this small space there are 4 guys, 2 of which being at the urinals, one waiting, and me. As the queue rotates, the other guy goes for his piss, and I’m just about to go for mine when in walks the BIGGEST [guy] I have ever seen in my life. He was easily about 7’5″, and looked about as wide. He took one stride and instantly got to where I was about to release 6 pints of fresh piss. Not a thing on Earth would stop this dude, so I took a step back, and with a tear of urine dripping from my bell-end I turned around and unleashed into the sink (I was desperate!). I quickly turned the taps on so it looked like I was washing my hands, released all of this built up urine in about 3 seconds flat, and legged it back to my drink at the bar (after actually washing my hands obviously).
Midway through me telling this tale to the lads, a lady came to our table and collected a couple of empties. Turns out she owned this bar, overheard everything I said, and we got thrown out.
9. Left in the Car
When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited & waited & waited but my dad never came… So I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it hahaha.
10. “A very shitty situation”
After being released from the hospital for appendicitis the doctor notified me that my first bowel movement would probably be very painful and to try and stay on a liquid diet for a few days. I did as instructed and a few days go by.
To get out of the house my mom convinces me to go to the supermarket with her. Along the way I felt the need to poo and figured as soon as I got to our destination I would promptly head to the restroom.
We arrive at the store and I’m still pretty sore from the surgery and take great stride to reduce my pain while getting myself out of the car. Suddenly, I feel the worst urge to fart I have ever experienced. I literally shart myself and it was clearly audible. I look at my mom and say “We need to go home NOW” She beings laughing at me. I was afraid to sit back down so I laid on my stomach in the backseat. We get home and needless to say, it was a very shitty situation.
11. Day Hike
This was on a day hike while camping. There was no bathroom for a while. Instead of just shitting in the woods like a normal person I held it in until I say a building and started to run down to where I thought there was a bathroom. I pooped myself. Shit fell out of my shorts. And I kicked it with my heel as I ran. It wasn’t a totally solid poop either. I ruined a pair of shorts, boots, socks, and camping trip all at once. Not to mention a fair share of self esteem. The building wasn’t even [a] bathroom. It was some concrete thing with a metal door. I left my shorts and socks at the building and wore a shirt around my waist. Until we got back to camp.
12. In a River
Several years ago I was in Israel and decided to drink some chocolate milk out of a bag (common there) and then proceed to go on this kayaking excursion. After a couple hours of kayaking in the hot sun, my stomach started hurting and essentially told me “If you don’t shit by choice, I’ll rip that choice away from you.” Thankfully, we were almost to our destination, so I clenched my butt hole and stomached the pain (literally).
When we finally got to our end point, I rush onshore in hopes of locating a restroom, but to my dismay there were none present, and we were going to bus back to our original starting location… I stood around for a moment, then realized I couldn’t wait anymore, and slyly started walking toward some bushes so I could let my bowels be free. On the way there, an explosion occurred within…the explosion was so strong that I couldn’t even walk the 20 feet behind the bushes, so I jumped into the Jordan river, ripped off my bathing suit, and just shit everywhere. The shitting was so intense that I couldn’t maintain my footing and was swept downriver along with my steaming pile of poop. I swam back (naked) to my peers, who were on the floor in fits of giggles.
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