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11 Hilariously Genius Quotes from Comedians That’ll Make You Laugh and Think

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I love a good joke, but when a comedian goes deep it can be absolute magic.

Here are 11 of the wisest, funniest quotes by comedians, some of whom left us far too soon.

11. Classic Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

10. RIP Mitch

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
– Mitch Hedberg

9. Hungry Hungry Louis

“I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
– Louis C.K.

8. Don’t Play It Safe

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk playing it safe.”
– Bill Burr

7. It’s About To Get Political…

“I love South Dakota, I do. And you know, the Black Hills of South Dakota are sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into the side of a mountain.”
– Jim Gaffigan

6. He’s Got A Point!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
– Emo Philips

5. Travel Ban

“I hate to travel, I think it’s because my dad used to beat me with a globe.”
– Dave Attell

4. SWIM!

“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
– Paula Poundstone

3. Science!

“Science knows it doesn’t know everything, otherwise it’d stop.”
– Dara Ó Briain

2. A Life Well Spent

“I spent half my money on gambling, wild women, and alcohol. The other half I wasted.”
-W.C. Fields

1. RIP Bill

‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy, slowed down, to a cool vibration; one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is but a dream. And, we are the imagination of ourselves. Now, over to Tom, with the weather.”
– Bill Hicks